Saturday, November 04, 2006

Don't metaphor me

Don’t metaphor me. My condition is not a metaphor, it is . It is dependence, denial, fatigue, extra effort, discomfort. It is insight, determination, overcoming deterrence….yeah all of that. Constraint constraint

How I want to smack the able who want to compare their mental ills and woes to my Situation.. look if I’m depressed up up the proverbial creek without a paddle
If you’re depressed you can at least wlak it off, or get yourself to a phramacy

The day they take their minds in hand, they can jump up off their butts and do whatever they want. I cannopt jump up, I can not run away, /I can’t even rest in this purgatory of perpetual tween ness…. There is no down other than prone. I’mm sitting up until I lie down and the only place I have to be other than my chair is my bed.

I heard a story on NPR about a young man who can’t walk or see…. He said he would prefer to be able to walk to being able to see. He didn’t want to be dependent.

I don’t want to choose or swap, but it underscored for me how dire my situation is and how little people get it…

Okay maybe not people, just a friend who knows she’s bugging me but hasn’t quite figured out how to reign herself in, contain her mess and stop spritzing me with errant psychic mouth spit.

Though I don’t want to make a target of a friend, don’t want to mimic that stupid human habit of knocking those closest, just because they are within arm’s reach.
She thinks she invokes understanding by comparing her
Inability to move on, change, get things done to my inability to move.

I had a fight last week. Some recessive chinned, slack bodied, round spectacled dufus put his clothes in the dryer where my clothes were washed. I caught him on the elevator, departing just as I arrived and yelled did you put clothes in this dryer—as I heard it whirring and saw a cart on the departing elevator.

And it became physical, I threatened to remove his clothes form the dryer and he draped himself over the dryer!!!!! And there was even a sign that says DO NOT use the room if the room is in use….

He hadn’t looked, the washing machine was full of MY black clothes… and long story short, he removed the clothes and called me a b… and I started yelling
Louder and louder, insulting him and not cursing, berating him til he fled…..

Not wise, but satisfying.

When I was a kid we used to philosophize, if we had to lose something, what would it be?

I love music and art so I couldn’t choose between sight and hearing. I never thought about mobility.

I desperately need to find a nondemeaning endeavor a resourced and supported position where the phone works, e-mail works, I can use the bathroom and get something to drink when I need it--- where is this paradise--- ahhh, right here, relatively.

I have reconnected with my fiber muse. I long for my stash of yarns--- I have at home a closet full. And I miss my looms and wools and bags of color sorted yarns, but despite this lack the hooks that I brought here have helped me.

And my small handwriitten sign requesting buttons, fabrics, an L hook and yarn has yielded all.

I made thank you gifts for my first donors. The cleaning lady, responded with yarn and yarn and lovely fabrics for which I made her a snow man. But she wanted a Snow Man and I followed the chubby doll in Creative Crocheted Dolls by Noreen Crone Findlay and he is a hit. She hugged him to her. I felt wonderful to be able to again, make something and see a bit of joy in the world.

A colleague brought me a bag of stuffing so I could stuff the big red doll ( About a foot long) which began as an amigurumi doll and her head said keep going.

Now I am wild about amigurumi, well not wild but it has lead me to make goddesses and I again long for all the things I had at hand for their adornment….

For that colleague I made a mouse, somehow that pattern came and I love how I just dug the hook in the fabric of the body and crocheted the ears in tho the body vs making ears and sewing them on.

Music heard seomthing healing in the singing of bariton Jesse __ wish I knew exactly which pieces move me—one was a poem and then to hear the story of Tscaninin whose death was called for and how he played Barber whose music I bagn to appreciate in 1997, after my mother died and I was at Chautuaqua, and now Thistle and Shamrock where Fionna Ritchie speaks form such a place of clarity and passion and culture and her narrative last week the story od Dierdre
Wjust touched me so… o not the fatedness of it but the love and the man not listening and it reminded me of Firethorn where life is full of knights and blodd and women who do not get to choose, but do anyway.

I am miss Paul Mazursky who is in town with Next Stop Greenwich Village a movie that I adore adore
And it speaks to the life I thought I would have when I came home to New York City after college, but the Village already cost waaay too much. What was still affordable were the brownstones in Brooklyn , but the
Commune of folks fell apart--- and to think we could have had those 4 incredible floors of handsome expansive house for a mere $80,000.

There are so many pasts to remember and I want more of them. The fall light took me back to my apartment on 5th avenue, that ran from fron to back of the building
So I had street and back yard and Russell the photographer reappearing….. ahhhh I want the sweetness of life again

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