Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Honeyfood, Candy, Tea

i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i don't like candy
i ate the candy i ate the candy i ate the candy and i love it! the
coffee candy yum that my friend sent me....

to be reduced to this, to be raised to this coffee on the tongue
with cream and butter, stuff i can't eat but might entertain
melting slowly on my tongue

i needed honey i wanted honey i asked for honey from the store lady for WEEKS.
the store that comes to this apartment building where the woman charges $1 for 3 bananas where she yes, does help the elderly disabled like me and rips us off with rapacious prices,
when, the last time i could walk, "I bought banana's for 25 cents a pound.... argHHH

Went online to my favorite place in Millerton, PA in a magic glen of a honey place and a wonderful entrepreneur made good story.... and it would cost $5 per pound with
shipping so bought instead honey from this place in Dakota--- that
was $4 per pound including shipping.... they sent it priority so it
was here the next day to have with Earl Grey tea i got on ebay that took
ONE day to get here and YUM YUM this honey is exquisite from North
dakota--- wish i could give them a super rating.
i fell less cold with honey and tea again at last--- after weeks without it...
luscious honey love for my tongue, for my tea

sometimes there can be a sweet moment.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Blue Monday

Saturday's window. Today's was darker, starker, white. Todya is blue Monday, thee most dpressing day of the year according to a Brit researcher.
I was supposed to have a visitor who didn't call and didn't show. Adn i dismantled my little photo studio to accomodate
her--- it is the brightest spot and the chair had a pyramid of sheet covered boxes. Niles was dismayed as it has becaome his draped boudoir, his hidey place, from which he can see all yet not be seen. I rpobably would not have vacuumed so assidously and definitely would have eaten both sooner and later...

But the led clip light arrived. it cast a wide beam for it's tiny size, but really i still need a floor lamp to have light,

I'm thinking about a play about the place i'm living.
it's been so hard to write.
Going inside takes me inside, to the pain
should i make peace with my condition nonononononon i scream this is not me
but it hasn't gone away yet. i don't spend the day trembling in fear like i did until november, fear of falling out, falling over the incredible daily fear that exhausted me after riding the liftline

and i still fell grief and fatigue most days
maybe because i am out of noni juice and ginseng
i miss my energy which some said was incredible and maybe now i am just knocked down to normal

i seldom did as much as i wanted to , but it was so much more than i can accomplish now

ginseng ginger help me

all i need is 10% i read just 10% will let me walk again

i feel tingling like when your feeet fall asleep i pray this is an awakening

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Movie Day

Today was movie day.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.

The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.

I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.

, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---

I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.

thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!

Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.

and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday

It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Making Real the Dream

Martin Luther King, jr. I hold you more dear now than I did before your died. I was a child
who wrote

the man, the dam who stayed the flood
is gone
for now, I wash all violence from my mind
for him
but deep deep deep
runs the river of revenge
the wrongs incense me
the dam is gone

not sure about the line breaks but I remember how his death awoke something fierce and sad in me.
an ache i sobbed when the integrated couple on NPR shared thes tory of the nieghbor rining the bell of the house
and when the black woman asnwered, asked for the lady of the house. I don't know why... worse has does happen but i burst into tears remembering how that store in Pawling would not let me rent a video and how Ira argued with me for 4 hours, didn't believe me until he went back to rent a video machine and this is surely surely not the worst, not death, but it's how that casual denial, the casual insult is a kind of bellwether, how easily you can be stopped, spun around, deterred and even if your skin is thick, it's that you have to go through this somethingwithouit reason

an how this disability has quadrupled the going throughness... black female and disabled? how many ways must i be made separate from the world i came to be in?

it's a dark day, winter has come because it is it's season and i struggle to not succumb and pray pray for help with my burdens

the ache for the taste of a childhood forever gone
ache is the word i've thought about today

when you wish upon a star
o my parents made so much beauty and so much hope and love and still i don't fail it
feet feet feet don't fail me now
o lord hold my hand while I run this race
o lord let me stand let me claim my place


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hierarchy of Needs

To Walk
if i can walk again I can, to paraphrase James Brown Get it myself

I circle round and round what each day must do. I haven't quite found balance as my list lengthens and yes, things get done, I am exhilarated and chastened by my efforts to make something out of yarn--- lees for art, but more for saleable expression. Yet each day of this wonderfully balmy winter, the day rockets by. I started to write flies and then jets, but I am awake til 3 or 4 or last night 5 and i awoke at 9 and as the dressing,cleaning ablution set piece takes two hours more or less--- okay
i comfort myself by saying as an ambulatory person i would have spent this time cooking but still.... i don't have enough day.

How do i help myself walk?
I need help.
So I pray and pray and pray.
I've added exercise.
I need therapy.
This requires money.

A number of people have understood this need for money and responded. But even as I want money,I try to think of it in terms of what I need: I've got sufficient clothing, because I go nowhere.

I need shelter
Money for shelter
Need to have my house made accessible, visitable and most of all inhabitable. I think this will cost
$20 to $30,000 dollars. Again. if someone could do this for me, then the money to do this rehab would not be needed.

It saddens me that unwell, I eat less well than when i was well. I can't juice because I can't get my bulk veggies.

There are things I want, because I think these things will help me make money. I want some new tools-- a headlight, a floor lamp, a wyr knitter, a thing that makes tubes, and more wool, cotton, yarns, color But iremind myself, crying that this yearning, this wanting is a distraction. It makes me feel normal, like i once was, wanting these things, tools and materials, the joy I had making lists
and how i used to not sleep to work out an new idea, a new technique to make objects that used everything i knew like my stoneware covered books inscribed with my drawing of my house with my handmade paper of local plants, on which my poems were enscribed adorned with house figured flameworked glass beads. Remembering this comforts me, but it was not to be a resting place.

I had hoped to make glass covers. I want to make more But what is your need.

I need to improve my mental capacity. I need to figure out ways to make money-- to help me walk and keep me fed housed and clothed

I need to contribute to the wider world as i used to. Teaching the short story writing in tiny Corning was so painful and so wonderful, that children got to meet a me and I got to meet them. How i really felt i empowered and excited young people with papermaking and adults and children with my poetry workshops...
I need to make a giving appointment so the time doesn't fly by without some service beyond myself.
I hate that i am my own baby, requiring so many hours of my attention, I don't enjoy being so self involved, yet on the other hand, I feel that I am not focusing on the right thing