dear new no longer friend,
i so wanted to believe we were friends. You pretended we were.
I hate that I counted past three.
I am sad that you revealed you were the monster that interfered when i was new here and washing, that you then derided me, saying some people
just don't appreciate help, when all you did at the time was frighten
and interrupt me. That you, going blind, think that kind of behavior was and is okay,
Then the time you hit me on the bus and hurt my knees
like it was a ha ha and it wasn't. It hurt through the paralysis and added to my constant pain.
How dare you!
And so slowly i realized that i was just a tissue for you.
This is your homeland and your family is near. I foolishly shared the little i had, the little access, the freebies, the extras.
And slowly it has dawned on me, that you share nothing, really. Not the family you talk about, nor even the opportunity to pick something up when your friends take you shopping.
My lack is mobility, not insight or feeling. I am so sad to realize how jive you are.
Showing posts with label wheelchair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wheelchair. Show all posts
Monday, November 05, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Fish Synchronicity
There is a special shopping bus on Wednesdays and
my neighbor shared with me the two new fish he purchased
at the pet store next to the supermarket, on our ride home.
I knew it
was synchronicity! Sadly, he didn't know the name of
the fish, and i was newly acquainted with an array of
fish tank fish as I had read about them to carve some
for a rubberstamped fish swap.
Wow. we usuallally don't talk and the beautiful
Brian, the only driver to ever ever assist me
and assist me he does, was not there..
And still there was this twinkle of magic... I could chat about tank conditions and ask about
plants and walter and popualtion and size and just from the reading i did to make
some art.
If i can remain motivated and in the glow I will make him a couple of images
from the stamps..... I've carved a broadbill swordfish, an oscar, silver dollar fish
and angel fish. This carving has connected for me , for this moment and so I've started
a carving blog: Image, Carve, STamp
my neighbor shared with me the two new fish he purchased
at the pet store next to the supermarket, on our ride home.
I knew it
was synchronicity! Sadly, he didn't know the name of
the fish, and i was newly acquainted with an array of
fish tank fish as I had read about them to carve some
for a rubberstamped fish swap.
Wow. we usuallally don't talk and the beautiful
Brian, the only driver to ever ever assist me
and assist me he does, was not there..
And still there was this twinkle of magic... I could chat about tank conditions and ask about
plants and walter and popualtion and size and just from the reading i did to make
some art.
If i can remain motivated and in the glow I will make him a couple of images
from the stamps..... I've carved a broadbill swordfish, an oscar, silver dollar fish
and angel fish. This carving has connected for me , for this moment and so I've started
a carving blog: Image, Carve, STamp
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Justice League, Eagles, Struck, 5 Dead Girls, ArtMaking
A blow to the body by the Supreme Court.
A night so hot, I arose at 4 a.m. watched TV, made bookmarks, and worked:
moving, organizing, cleaning.
Making pulp.
Surely the Justice League is not for kids.
Black female shape shifter discussed Green Lantern's undies drawer with Hawk Girl, his ex.
I've seen his underwear drawer Hawk Gril reminds his current lady. They just saved each other and the world after being assigned together. Martian Jahn tells Green Lantern that contrary to his opinion, he does not take his love life into consideration when making assignments, but we know better. No better way to bury the hatchet, er, claw or magic mace than into a villain than into each other....
Yeah so not for kids what with partner swapping, and Lex Luthor possessed by Brainiac and a fat Oprah meets Condoleeeza Rice figure whose voice sounds like CCH Pounder, manifesting authoritarian paranoia as the US black ops group (sic)
led by her, clones Supergirl and makes several batches of mindless mutants, for you know, just in case the Justice League goes as rogue as the government, what with their protective floating death ray pointed at the planet.
And pre manifestation of the real devil inside, Lex Luthor strives to use his ill gotten billions to become president.
This all to irk Superman because like those we know too well, he doesn't want to govern, he only wants to rule.
Yes, it comes on too late for kids in school, but it's on the kids channel.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today is eagle day 198 hacked eagles released into the wilds of New York have set up breeding territories and raised young 1988 meant they had sufficient nesting pairs to stop hacking, no more need to hand rear the young. My cat stares. To see an eagle against a powder blue New York sky is a tingling thing. My thanks to those who worked invisibly so hard to restore a balance undone. We need to take a close and serious look at what the future holds. Have we sufficiently protected wild places? I so wanted to buy a bit of wild. A piece of Steuben hill, a glade with a pond. The amazement of where i lived in that 5 minutes from my small city lot I could be at some critter rich expanse. 5 minutes straight up would land me in Oz. The eagle is safe from extinction for the moment. Good things still get done.
******************************************************************************
Yesterday was a trip. The old woman Mary leans over and says to me, isn't Brian ( the medical motor services driver) quite a specimen. He's so good looking. She pauses. I don't believe in objectifying people I say coldly and deliberately. She irks me to no end, intruding on my quiet with her inaninity that has now veered to an ugly lust.
I didn't objectify him she protests.
You called him a specimen. I don't like that language I say.
She speaks a bit loudly for conversation, but this i put to her eroding sense of hearing. Later, Brian suggests he heard the whole exchange when he comments from the drivers seat, while the bus is in motion, on something else she has just said to me, something about the bus running on July 4th. Ha! I want to laugh aloud. You imp. So you are letting you know you heard. So doubtless he heard.
My neighbor buddy showed her butt . Late again, not there as the bus was ready to leave, this time I insisted forcefully that we not leave her. That last time I was overridden by another passenger who had insisted that she saw J outside and so J got on another bus. But J said she would only ride with Brian and Brian and we were all packed and she was not there.
C, newly returned from time in the country spelling her sister at her sister's bakery volunteered to go inside and get her. Brian emerged with her grocery cart. packed it on the bus and more minutes pass before J returned. I was pleased that i i had made sure we did not leave her this time and annoyed at what seemed to be an emerging pattern of lateness.... after all all these older old farts and decrepitudes including wheelchair bound me, were packed and strapped on the bus....
why was she tardy?
Anyway that was not the butt showing. The but showing was that she hit me so hard on my leg I felt it... a slow yelp.
So more sensation, but not good sensation and then i realized where she hit me--- on my knee.
What the? I complained but decided not to go off, especially as I had to ponder the sensation. Later, however, I became angry.
What was the context? A flurry of negative anticipations... :"you won't like them, you'll say they suck" this all about something I had not seen. And I asked her to to stop it and then she hit my knee or knees... not sure if it was one or both.
What a drag. This of course is a no win. If I like them, then there is disbelief, If I don't then this is pressure to not render a negative opinion, though she doesn't know me.... this is really incentive for me to say " you're right, these are some whack awful ugly things." But the evolved me, would probably not say anything and just be annoyed at being silenced.
So I've decided a couple of things. One is distance. The other is I pass too well for a well person.
Earlier on the bus, hideous Mary had reached toward me and I was alert and said don't touch.
And she said, O I won't.
But I had seen her put her filthy hands on J's ear lobes and finger her earrings and then have the nerve to ask her how often she cleaned her ears.
When they asked me about earring cleaning, I asked her how often did she clean out her belly button.
Everytime I shower she said .
Well that's how often I clean out and around my earrings.
The presumption is that I can be jostled, jollied, nudged---- meanwhile no one knows or understands what's wrong with me, so how can they think striking me is okay?
They don't think about it at all.
While in the supermarket, contemplating the baked muffins--- I sought pistachio walnut and there weren't any. A kind woman offered to place temptation in a bag for me and we joked about it. An old man said too bad you can't taste it before you buy. I didn't quite hear him at first and he repeated himself. Then having my attention he told me that he had just come form the doctor having made himself sick with grief.
Five young girls died in a head on collision with an SUV here. They had all just graduated from high school. He knew one of them and the grief was putting himself in the place of the father of one of the lost, who was a friend. And it rocked him.
I expressed my condolences and he brought me to near tears and satisfied and saddened he had done so, he thanked me, apologized and bid me adieu.
Now oddly enough he walked by just as the bus arrived outside Wegman's and he approached and began the story again, but without the introductory joke or connection, he just began replaying the tape, grabbing his protruding belly saying where the pain lay.
I told him, you told me this already. I am so sorry for your pain.
It hurts he said.
I know ,I said. Feel better.
Gosh! This is so like my New York City youth. Old people just telling me their stories. Which i don';t remember and didn't even always understand. They still do it!!!! But now I know what they are talking about. NOW I KNOW what they mean.
Why do they still choose me? In the chair, I can actually move further, faster away, LOL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clearing out under the sink, mainly to get the vat i knocked against the pipe and it sprang a leak. It was a huge accident waiting to happen. The hole revealed a totally rusted curved. Thing is, the office told me someone would be here immediately. 3 hours, and the need to empty bladder and feed myself later, no one appeared. I called left a message of anger and complaint, not so much the lack of immediacy but the failed expectation..... it's not like any motion away from ready to answer the door can return to ready with any speed... A half hour to pee. An hour to eat.....Solution
put a sign on the door.
Anyway late afternoon the heat finally dissipates. And there is a small bit of homecooked sumptuous made possible by splendid summer. Vine ripened grape tomatoes, tossed in the pan to add sweetness to the fried onion, garlic, basil,garlic salt, pepper, fresh uncut but trimmed lengths of sweet green beans, covered juices of plant succulences. This to moisten the crab fritters, whose batter I made yesterday, but could not bring myself to endure more heat. The tiny hand rolled balls puffed and while delicious, it was not quite the effect I was striving for..... next time add more stuff
to the batter--scallions, red pepper-- yes that's the ticket.
Anyway, this was the sweet redemption of yesterday's trial. Wondrous munchies: wasabi peas, dates,
akmak crackers, hummus, vanilla soymilk for my coffee, an almond croissant for breakfast, ginger beer for dinner and the ability to do a simple saute, even though wheel chair bound.
***************************************************************************************
Another gallery I had work in has closed. Today I got a call from a woman asking me how i would collect my work. It was still the hot hard moment when I was yelling at the cats for being under wheel,too close and cloying.... Anyway I almost cried, another reminder of what I've lost... and more to lose.
She asked me about my job. I told her Iost it as a result of my condition and told her about my condition and also how I didn't even know where to have her send stuff. Home? I'm not there to collect it. Here? Where would I put it...
And she was so so kind to say she would watch it and call me again in August. I did nicely at the gallery, I believe I sold most of what I brought to them and might have sold more, had I been able to replenish the objects....
***************************************************************************************
I so want to go home and make things. I reach for tools that are not here..... my lost to me friend has yet to return the moulds and deckles I lent her, her final act of petulance. She had offered to return the stuff six weeks ago, now. since I had said to leave it in the office, refusing to put myself through another one of her non appointment drama ( she's stood me up 4 times, and is always late or early, never at the agreed upon time) I sadly do not have my best tools at hand. Still, I have
a small M&D and cooked everything I had been saving in the refrigerator and spent hours blendering and rinsing and tomorrow I will venture down to the community room and pull some sheets.
Today, just to play with pulp, I cast some houses, All the little tricks to remember. How wet the pulp should be, how to then layer and extract the water, with screen and sponge..... the thin layer of vaseline on the mould, finger on, swiped of.... ahh.....
And then I remembered how fond i was of methylcellulose for my pulp. and how i don't have any.....
so this will be my first waterleaf in a long time...
may i heal,
A night so hot, I arose at 4 a.m. watched TV, made bookmarks, and worked:
moving, organizing, cleaning.
Making pulp.
Surely the Justice League is not for kids.
Black female shape shifter discussed Green Lantern's undies drawer with Hawk Girl, his ex.
I've seen his underwear drawer Hawk Gril reminds his current lady. They just saved each other and the world after being assigned together. Martian Jahn tells Green Lantern that contrary to his opinion, he does not take his love life into consideration when making assignments, but we know better. No better way to bury the hatchet, er, claw or magic mace than into a villain than into each other....
Yeah so not for kids what with partner swapping, and Lex Luthor possessed by Brainiac and a fat Oprah meets Condoleeeza Rice figure whose voice sounds like CCH Pounder, manifesting authoritarian paranoia as the US black ops group (sic)
led by her, clones Supergirl and makes several batches of mindless mutants, for you know, just in case the Justice League goes as rogue as the government, what with their protective floating death ray pointed at the planet.
And pre manifestation of the real devil inside, Lex Luthor strives to use his ill gotten billions to become president.
This all to irk Superman because like those we know too well, he doesn't want to govern, he only wants to rule.
Yes, it comes on too late for kids in school, but it's on the kids channel.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today is eagle day 198 hacked eagles released into the wilds of New York have set up breeding territories and raised young 1988 meant they had sufficient nesting pairs to stop hacking, no more need to hand rear the young. My cat stares. To see an eagle against a powder blue New York sky is a tingling thing. My thanks to those who worked invisibly so hard to restore a balance undone. We need to take a close and serious look at what the future holds. Have we sufficiently protected wild places? I so wanted to buy a bit of wild. A piece of Steuben hill, a glade with a pond. The amazement of where i lived in that 5 minutes from my small city lot I could be at some critter rich expanse. 5 minutes straight up would land me in Oz. The eagle is safe from extinction for the moment. Good things still get done.
******************************************************************************
Yesterday was a trip. The old woman Mary leans over and says to me, isn't Brian ( the medical motor services driver) quite a specimen. He's so good looking. She pauses. I don't believe in objectifying people I say coldly and deliberately. She irks me to no end, intruding on my quiet with her inaninity that has now veered to an ugly lust.
I didn't objectify him she protests.
You called him a specimen. I don't like that language I say.
She speaks a bit loudly for conversation, but this i put to her eroding sense of hearing. Later, Brian suggests he heard the whole exchange when he comments from the drivers seat, while the bus is in motion, on something else she has just said to me, something about the bus running on July 4th. Ha! I want to laugh aloud. You imp. So you are letting you know you heard. So doubtless he heard.
My neighbor buddy showed her butt . Late again, not there as the bus was ready to leave, this time I insisted forcefully that we not leave her. That last time I was overridden by another passenger who had insisted that she saw J outside and so J got on another bus. But J said she would only ride with Brian and Brian and we were all packed and she was not there.
C, newly returned from time in the country spelling her sister at her sister's bakery volunteered to go inside and get her. Brian emerged with her grocery cart. packed it on the bus and more minutes pass before J returned. I was pleased that i i had made sure we did not leave her this time and annoyed at what seemed to be an emerging pattern of lateness.... after all all these older old farts and decrepitudes including wheelchair bound me, were packed and strapped on the bus....
why was she tardy?
Anyway that was not the butt showing. The but showing was that she hit me so hard on my leg I felt it... a slow yelp.
So more sensation, but not good sensation and then i realized where she hit me--- on my knee.
What the? I complained but decided not to go off, especially as I had to ponder the sensation. Later, however, I became angry.
What was the context? A flurry of negative anticipations... :"you won't like them, you'll say they suck" this all about something I had not seen. And I asked her to to stop it and then she hit my knee or knees... not sure if it was one or both.
What a drag. This of course is a no win. If I like them, then there is disbelief, If I don't then this is pressure to not render a negative opinion, though she doesn't know me.... this is really incentive for me to say " you're right, these are some whack awful ugly things." But the evolved me, would probably not say anything and just be annoyed at being silenced.
So I've decided a couple of things. One is distance. The other is I pass too well for a well person.
Earlier on the bus, hideous Mary had reached toward me and I was alert and said don't touch.
And she said, O I won't.
But I had seen her put her filthy hands on J's ear lobes and finger her earrings and then have the nerve to ask her how often she cleaned her ears.
When they asked me about earring cleaning, I asked her how often did she clean out her belly button.
Everytime I shower she said .
Well that's how often I clean out and around my earrings.
The presumption is that I can be jostled, jollied, nudged---- meanwhile no one knows or understands what's wrong with me, so how can they think striking me is okay?
They don't think about it at all.
While in the supermarket, contemplating the baked muffins--- I sought pistachio walnut and there weren't any. A kind woman offered to place temptation in a bag for me and we joked about it. An old man said too bad you can't taste it before you buy. I didn't quite hear him at first and he repeated himself. Then having my attention he told me that he had just come form the doctor having made himself sick with grief.
Five young girls died in a head on collision with an SUV here. They had all just graduated from high school. He knew one of them and the grief was putting himself in the place of the father of one of the lost, who was a friend. And it rocked him.
I expressed my condolences and he brought me to near tears and satisfied and saddened he had done so, he thanked me, apologized and bid me adieu.
Now oddly enough he walked by just as the bus arrived outside Wegman's and he approached and began the story again, but without the introductory joke or connection, he just began replaying the tape, grabbing his protruding belly saying where the pain lay.
I told him, you told me this already. I am so sorry for your pain.
It hurts he said.
I know ,I said. Feel better.
Gosh! This is so like my New York City youth. Old people just telling me their stories. Which i don';t remember and didn't even always understand. They still do it!!!! But now I know what they are talking about. NOW I KNOW what they mean.
Why do they still choose me? In the chair, I can actually move further, faster away, LOL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clearing out under the sink, mainly to get the vat i knocked against the pipe and it sprang a leak. It was a huge accident waiting to happen. The hole revealed a totally rusted curved. Thing is, the office told me someone would be here immediately. 3 hours, and the need to empty bladder and feed myself later, no one appeared. I called left a message of anger and complaint, not so much the lack of immediacy but the failed expectation..... it's not like any motion away from ready to answer the door can return to ready with any speed... A half hour to pee. An hour to eat.....Solution
put a sign on the door.
Anyway late afternoon the heat finally dissipates. And there is a small bit of homecooked sumptuous made possible by splendid summer. Vine ripened grape tomatoes, tossed in the pan to add sweetness to the fried onion, garlic, basil,garlic salt, pepper, fresh uncut but trimmed lengths of sweet green beans, covered juices of plant succulences. This to moisten the crab fritters, whose batter I made yesterday, but could not bring myself to endure more heat. The tiny hand rolled balls puffed and while delicious, it was not quite the effect I was striving for..... next time add more stuff
to the batter--scallions, red pepper-- yes that's the ticket.
Anyway, this was the sweet redemption of yesterday's trial. Wondrous munchies: wasabi peas, dates,
akmak crackers, hummus, vanilla soymilk for my coffee, an almond croissant for breakfast, ginger beer for dinner and the ability to do a simple saute, even though wheel chair bound.
***************************************************************************************
Another gallery I had work in has closed. Today I got a call from a woman asking me how i would collect my work. It was still the hot hard moment when I was yelling at the cats for being under wheel,too close and cloying.... Anyway I almost cried, another reminder of what I've lost... and more to lose.
She asked me about my job. I told her Iost it as a result of my condition and told her about my condition and also how I didn't even know where to have her send stuff. Home? I'm not there to collect it. Here? Where would I put it...
And she was so so kind to say she would watch it and call me again in August. I did nicely at the gallery, I believe I sold most of what I brought to them and might have sold more, had I been able to replenish the objects....
***************************************************************************************
I so want to go home and make things. I reach for tools that are not here..... my lost to me friend has yet to return the moulds and deckles I lent her, her final act of petulance. She had offered to return the stuff six weeks ago, now. since I had said to leave it in the office, refusing to put myself through another one of her non appointment drama ( she's stood me up 4 times, and is always late or early, never at the agreed upon time) I sadly do not have my best tools at hand. Still, I have
a small M&D and cooked everything I had been saving in the refrigerator and spent hours blendering and rinsing and tomorrow I will venture down to the community room and pull some sheets.
Today, just to play with pulp, I cast some houses, All the little tricks to remember. How wet the pulp should be, how to then layer and extract the water, with screen and sponge..... the thin layer of vaseline on the mould, finger on, swiped of.... ahh.....
And then I remembered how fond i was of methylcellulose for my pulp. and how i don't have any.....
so this will be my first waterleaf in a long time...
may i heal,
Monday, April 16, 2007
More Trials and Tribulations
the city - Corning-- will impound my car by wednesday
it has a new reg about cars without license plates.
i *just* turned in my license plates so i wouldn't be wasting money paying for a car I can't drive
so just as i recover from one mess here's another
even though my car is in my own driveway....in my driveway in my yard
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my friends rapped to the police to get a stay of execution--- they were going to impound my car today!
i called the police and they said that they would give me some time but not months
and that staying under a tarp wasn't good enough
and that staying under a tarp in the carport wasn't goood enough either
that it has to bee in a garage
so it seems that i may have to reregister the car--- that is pay again for insurance
or pay for it to be housed in a garage....
i've got to figure out which is cheaper.....
____________________
i've written the city manager:
Dear City Manager,
I was stricken with idiopathic transverse myeltis and spent 2005/2006 in a hospital, a nursing home, rehab, and now in an apartment in Rochester, while I try to get my home rehabbed for wheelchair accessibility.
Just last month I turned in my plates, as I was paying for insurance and not driving my car.
My car is in my driveway at 343 East third Street in Corning. It is a Honda Civic EX 4 door sedan, in great shape--- a 1995 with a mere 51,000 miles on it.
Yesterday my friends who assist me with my home told me that the City had tagged my car and that
I had to either get plates, remove it or suffer a fine and have the car impounded.
This is a difficult time for me. I lost my job because of my paralysis, I'm scraping by on social security disability and making ends meet is more challenging than it has ever been before.
I quite frankly, don't understand this law.
I own a home it has a driveway and a carport but i was told it was
not sufficient to have my car in my driveway
not sufficient to have it in the carport
not sufficient to have it under a tarp either......
The the only solution was to have it in a garage, or with plates..
I am asking for time to try to find a solution.
I spoke to the police and they told me I could have some time, but they couldn't say how long.
Since I am making arrangements and inquiries, this will take me some time.
Could I have until mid May ?
Thanks for attention to this matter.
________________________________________________
My alderman said he will check into this.
it has a new reg about cars without license plates.
i *just* turned in my license plates so i wouldn't be wasting money paying for a car I can't drive
so just as i recover from one mess here's another
even though my car is in my own driveway....in my driveway in my yard
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my friends rapped to the police to get a stay of execution--- they were going to impound my car today!
i called the police and they said that they would give me some time but not months
and that staying under a tarp wasn't good enough
and that staying under a tarp in the carport wasn't goood enough either
that it has to bee in a garage
so it seems that i may have to reregister the car--- that is pay again for insurance
or pay for it to be housed in a garage....
i've got to figure out which is cheaper.....
____________________
i've written the city manager:
Dear City Manager,
I was stricken with idiopathic transverse myeltis and spent 2005/2006 in a hospital, a nursing home, rehab, and now in an apartment in Rochester, while I try to get my home rehabbed for wheelchair accessibility.
Just last month I turned in my plates, as I was paying for insurance and not driving my car.
My car is in my driveway at 343 East third Street in Corning. It is a Honda Civic EX 4 door sedan, in great shape--- a 1995 with a mere 51,000 miles on it.
Yesterday my friends who assist me with my home told me that the City had tagged my car and that
I had to either get plates, remove it or suffer a fine and have the car impounded.
This is a difficult time for me. I lost my job because of my paralysis, I'm scraping by on social security disability and making ends meet is more challenging than it has ever been before.
I quite frankly, don't understand this law.
I own a home it has a driveway and a carport but i was told it was
not sufficient to have my car in my driveway
not sufficient to have it in the carport
not sufficient to have it under a tarp either......
The the only solution was to have it in a garage, or with plates..
I am asking for time to try to find a solution.
I spoke to the police and they told me I could have some time, but they couldn't say how long.
Since I am making arrangements and inquiries, this will take me some time.
Could I have until mid May ?
Thanks for attention to this matter.
________________________________________________
My alderman said he will check into this.
Another Grey Hair Day
My first workshop-- Myth and Transcendence in your life story--- went well. 7 people signed up 5 people were there and the time flew. I arrived at 9:45 and so had time to make the many copies of the 8 or so handouts that I had.
I chatted with Robbi who had brought her adorable 7 month 7 pound poodle, Henrietta. And when the LiftLine bus came, she held the door as I entered the lift.
Where I was stuck. It started and stopped. And the door was unopenable and we both turned things on and off, pushed buttons and levers.
I was afraid I wouldn't get home--- more than the fear of stuck on the lift in the airless shaft, I didn't want LiftLine to leave without me and have me be without a way home.
I asked her to call 911 and within 2 minutes the handsome men of the fire department were there.
Many--- like about 5 guys, LOL!
They finally listened to me (vs. calming me down) and slid a metal thing to open/unlatch the door. then they carried me down the stairs and I got on the bus home.
So now I faced yet another fear--- being stuck on the lift..... the the bad part was I forgot my cell phone today, so if it had to happen ( vs any of the many times I was left alone or arrived alone at W&B) it was good it happened this way.
I chatted with Robbi who had brought her adorable 7 month 7 pound poodle, Henrietta. And when the LiftLine bus came, she held the door as I entered the lift.
Where I was stuck. It started and stopped. And the door was unopenable and we both turned things on and off, pushed buttons and levers.
I was afraid I wouldn't get home--- more than the fear of stuck on the lift in the airless shaft, I didn't want LiftLine to leave without me and have me be without a way home.
I asked her to call 911 and within 2 minutes the handsome men of the fire department were there.
Many--- like about 5 guys, LOL!
They finally listened to me (vs. calming me down) and slid a metal thing to open/unlatch the door. then they carried me down the stairs and I got on the bus home.
So now I faced yet another fear--- being stuck on the lift..... the the bad part was I forgot my cell phone today, so if it had to happen ( vs any of the many times I was left alone or arrived alone at W&B) it was good it happened this way.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Blue Monday
Saturday's window. Today's was darker, starker, white. Todya is blue Monday, thee most dpressing day of the year according to a Brit researcher.
I was supposed to have a visitor who didn't call and didn't show. Adn i dismantled my little photo studio to accomodate
her--- it is the brightest spot and the chair had a pyramid of sheet covered boxes. Niles was dismayed as it has becaome his draped boudoir, his hidey place, from which he can see all yet not be seen. I rpobably would not have vacuumed so assidously and definitely would have eaten both sooner and later...
But the led clip light arrived. it cast a wide beam for it's tiny size, but really i still need a floor lamp to have light,
I'm thinking about a play about the place i'm living.
it's been so hard to write.
Going inside takes me inside, to the pain
should i make peace with my condition nonononononon i scream this is not me
but it hasn't gone away yet. i don't spend the day trembling in fear like i did until november, fear of falling out, falling over the incredible daily fear that exhausted me after riding the liftline
and i still fell grief and fatigue most days
maybe because i am out of noni juice and ginseng
i miss my energy which some said was incredible and maybe now i am just knocked down to normal
i seldom did as much as i wanted to , but it was so much more than i can accomplish now
ginseng ginger help me
all i need is 10% i read just 10% will let me walk again
i feel tingling like when your feeet fall asleep i pray this is an awakening
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Movie Day
Today was movie day.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.
The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.
I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.
, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---
I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.
thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!
Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.
and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday
It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.
The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.
I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.
, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---
I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.
thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!
Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.
and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday
It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Designing, Discovering
Felting did not yield quite what I wanted…
For some flowers the densification was a muddying
For the bud and sepals, a caressable object that suggests an organism was formed.
I’ve tormented myself searching for a solution to my flower scarf. I wanted it to be flowers and leaves. Then I thought of oversizing the leaves, then the ever challenging for me question of color.
Especially now when I do not have my stash, my “fiber office” as my second niece, when a baby, so aptly named the room that was the library and yes was filled with books, but whose closet and diaper station turned into yarn shelves, and floor spoke of fiber use.
I see my table top loom there on the floor by the fronT facing window. O lord let me walk again..please!
Back to today’s narrative which is about design and my limitations. I feel it like a craving like a hunger that can’t be sated until it is enumerated, articulated, clearly defined, spelled out.
My next flower pattern set was to be Akua’s Fabulous Furled and Fluffy Flowers which I so thouigth that the wool felting would improve but no… To be fulfilled in felt the design owould have to be amended as the furled petals hardened and were wayward and the fluffy petal, so dependent on stitch construction for their loft, deflated.
I saw two commercial flowers that I dug.
http://www.cardsandcraft.co.uk/embellishments/405-big-crochet-flowers.html/1418.jpg
http://www.meimeicrafts.com/images/flowers
One took more work than my nature-mimic multilayer rose and it is flat, but the spoke rays of it are energetic and while my color pallet is more winter than n summer, the stretch and size of it gave me some new thoughts about the flower scarf.
Then I found this flower and loved loved loved the spiral and was reminded that a simple embelishment of the crochet hook and yarn itself could be used to enhance the flower.
At Gourmet Crochet
This Bolivian scarf showed an oversized direction but it's not integrated....
http://thestripeysheep.co.uk/index.php?itemID=161&jump=navbar#navbar
http://www.rosylittlethings.com/scallop.html-- $68 ?!
http://www.imaybeknittingaranchhouse.com/archives/2006/10/a_free_scarf_mo.html
between this and this
I knew there was an easier way:
http://heidisknittingroom.com/BoleroCrochetMotifs.htm
this suggests joining as you go:
(http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/?page_id=119)
and that's just what I've developed for this very greengold or browngreen--everything else made it look heavy. and the makeflowers sew two together was too much sewing and I did not to be another mere.near doily flower maker. I remember thinking about interlocking rings, so that's what I've designed: interlocking flowers, one open and the sme motif with a densified center, making it slightly larger.... I wonder if I want a their flower, but it's so wonderful that as I complete a flower, it's complete!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Gifts for the Givers
Here by the Grace of God, I am. The flying fickle finger of fate pointed and I am hobbled, cracked in half, rolling rolling rolling along. I am busy busy busy making making gifts for those who kept me alive this year, whose efforts on my behalf kept me alive. and ooooo i ache so again i pray this burning twiching numness means awakening, but I don't know.
I've been making bracelets and flowers and designed an eyeglass case/ Cellphone case for the step mum who reveled that she is a gree person.
How did i miss all these calls to make things to give to the needy babies. My head is so sensitive to heat loss, I have designated one of my hats as my sleep hat. The Save the Children organization is sponsoring a charity knit/crochet project entitled Caps to the Capital. Warm caps to keep babies' heads warm and needed medical supplies and interventions can help lower the death rate among newborns. The caps will be mailed by January 2, 2007 to Save the Children. "In January, Save the Children will deliver caps, along with the notes, to the President in Washington, D.C. to demonstrate that Americans want to do more to save the lives of newborns around the world. All the caps that have been donated will then be delivered to newborns and families in countries where Save the Children works."
Now the All Crafts for Charity folks got me started and It took SEVEN phone calls before I got through to the Golisano Children's Hospital... sure reminds me of why people don't volunteer this was an incredible round of phone tag for the person to tell me to just drop by--- which i cannot do.So finally she gave me the adddress to mail things to: Neo NatalIntensive Care Unit Golisano Children's Hospital at Strong, 601 Elmwood Avenue, Box 619-334 Rochester, NY 14692 She said they need everything: botties, hats, blankets...
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Meditation and Prayer
Meditation helps but I can't say how. I've been praying with my crochet. I miss the fire of flameworking and the sweat of mold making in kilncasting, the things that totally absorb and let me be in the lfow. Poetry is so hard for me when life is so hard, because I just write write write about my grief and anger. And my anger is not so much about my predicament but about how people treat me: the doors that are so hard hard hard to open even with uppre body strength I never dreamed to have. Being left to bang my way in the the morning and out in the afternoon.
If I say the right prayer will it all be open sesame and click click clikc like the clicks that i felt as i could not move and tumbled to the floor, will it all click click back in operation? I've got to walk again, so I can see my father before his forgetting erases me from his memory. He was such a wonderful raconteur, the dad other kids wished they had and they were so right to desire him, because i was grateful he was and is my father. I've got to walk again so I can see my nivlings. My aunt and uncles were such a part of me showing me who to be and not to be, how I miss the beautiful young people! I dreamt of Paris and this time there was a neighborhood that tunrd into queens--- new paris with single fmaily homes and down that block was beach and the sea and again golden sand. British columbia was discussed at Thanksgiving and Vancouver with islands and city and sea and green
all put together, a paradise.
Flying Hooks, Healing Heart
My crochet hooks and yarn are my glass of wine. And they are what they are and they are also stand ins for the many things I got to make so easily, now out of reach. Though today, 65 degreees in November, the apartment just aglow with painterly light, Garrison Keillor's skewed crooning like a familiar friend, like my father and family just singing around the house and not caring how good it sounds, ahhh Garrison, thanks for telling the world to sing just because it makes peace more possible....
I digress, becuase I wanted to write about creating, such as it remains for me. After a long wait, the inexpensive wire cutter arrived... a three-week wait for tools I already own, (bad E-Bay seller!) but no longer can bound up stairs to get,,, my heart calls out to my tools, stay ready for me, wait for me, I want to use you again.
I am vetting my flower pattern. I second guessed myself and realized I had it right the first time, but then created a variation on the flower: 10 petals. this crowds it a bit, but it increases the twirl.
And now I have at last 3 hats to keep my head warm and attractive and it's up to 60 something! No complaints, it's easiest to wheel through sunshine and warmth than it is snow and rain.
All praises for winter not arriving until December 22,
for light filling the shortened day. For the kindness of strangers who included me in their vegan Thanksgiving family gathering which was so so so exquisite and heartful and warm and fun and delicious and o! what joy to be able to and desirous of eating every good and dleicious thing offered!!!It's been over a deccade since I've had ice cream and the soy turtle and vanilla bean with pumpkin pie almst made me sob with gratitude. How I misss being able to cook, I was so good at
plaeasing mine and others' palates and since being stricken, I've starved for decent food, having lost over 50 pounds at last reckoning, because I refused to eat drek in the nursing home. This was food to give thanks for.
My gratitude to those who wrote me about the blue flower, after so much tapdancing on my head, I cherish every kind word and the affrimation that I can add value to the world, despite my limited circumstances. I am amamzed at how limitless I once felt "bigger than my body gives me credit for" (that yummy song by John Mayer) and I guess I still am. Thank you!
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