Because

Someone tore down my sign explaining that the crochet workshop was to focus on making things for the KwaZulu Natal babies brought home in newspapers. This is the 4th time in 2008. Today is only the 22, Tuesday, the day of the workshop.

I thought in leaving i would be freed from the endless mindnumbing  sheaves of forms this idiotic palce makes me fill out. No, i had to fill out another form. On it they ask why are you leaving.

Ha! I don't remember exactly what I wrote something short and cute like death despair disrespect disrepair....

but yesterday as i rolled in backwards to put the  tokette in the  machine, after waiting for it for hours because it is the only front loader and therefor the only floor on which i can wash  i thought of how horrible it was that even  doing it this way, the machine ate my tokette, didn't start and so i lost a wash's worth of detergent.

so today io began my because list...

because washing macines are only available from  9 whenever tony feels like opening the rooms to 8 40 pm whenever he feels like locking them up

because we must pay 1:25 per load

because we must buy these stupid plastic things and yet and stil the laundry rooms can't be open 24/7

because the recycle trash room is only open 9 to 5 Monday to Friday and officially only a part of a day on Saturday and this makes no sense whatsoever, because if you work or have any kind of life, you won't get your recycling in the room during the normal business day

what is so special about the trash and recycling room that is must be locked

the  alleged safety measure of disabling the possibility of buzzing anyone in after 5 p.m.  which is often the hour that medical deliveries arrive for the  ill and dsiabled, only means that residents generally let anyone in a uniform who is decent looking into the building to spare their decrepit neighbors the hassle of dresssing and leaving their apratments to let someone in

of course this makes security such as it is, even less

because when the man hit the ground outsidethe office window, the manager didn't look

because the manager said I'm on the phone when the attempt to tell her the man was squashed on the  ground outside her office 

because the manager left the keys not lost them and so put the  whole building in danger

because the tenants were never told this happened

because the good lady who gets free food for the buidling was burglered when she went to church

because  when i found out I wrote and called and got my locks changed but the buidling's

locks were not changed for 4 months after the masterkey was lost

because my neighbors put up with this and did not complain but they are very willing to

gossip, get in the way, block my path getting on the bus and be loud

because someone stole my handmade black santa clause

because i had to argue to get plain potatoe chips in the vending machine and then the creep put it in the one slot that doesn't work

because my wheelchair has no camber and only one rail so i can fit through the doorways of this handicapped accessible apartment

because i can't enter the garbage chute room on any floor because is has a step down and 

a door that slams shut,  and it's as anrrow as the catwalk kitchen, so even if i were to attempt it,

I couldn't turn around and pop myself up over the lip. I can only enter and exit backwards,

because the sink is too high 

because the refrigerator requires defrosting, another contortionist, messmaking  challenge 

for me in a wheelchair

because the liars at HUD never fixed the front door on which i have scraped and bruised my knuckles

Because the front doors are glass and heavy and the easy back doors are a step down

because the tenant's group was told that it can't engage any issues of import

because idiot mincing J locked the door to the community room even though on it was a sign about the Crochet class

Because crazy P had a many curing wildly in the hallway F u Fu Fu Fu  the very  day she had 

harassed me 

because the washing machine on my floor is still broken after nearly a year

because there are only two good dryers in the whole building

because the one time I ran out of checks, you wouldn't take credit and told me i had to go out in the cold in my wheelchair and get cash for the rent, though i offered to pay by creditcard

( God rescued me and spared me the fine)

because i have to pay for the tokettes in cash, a check for them is not accepted, which uses up hard to get cash

because none of this makes sense and is burdensome and oppresssive

because my friend was given a hard time for dropping off my mail

because Dorr never got the card i created that people were supposed to sign when they came to the office

because my materials were lost and I had to dig them out  again and sign your stupid forms again

because the bible lady brought a baby to the film screening and the baby made noise through the whole thing

because i dropped my knitting needle and no one told me or gave it to me

because when i most needed it, the store would close early

because after they hooked me on some item, they would stop stocking it

because the 101 year old lady hit me 3 times

because my alleged friend hit me on my knees

because my other alleged friend shoved me and hurt my arm

because the alarms were presented as a feature and R told me that she prayed for God to help her off her knees after no one answered her alarm

because one of those who hit me thinks she is a good person and yet, she did not answer

R's alarm

because this is supposed to be a building for the elderly or older disabled and yet there are these stupid burdensome rules

because someone tore down the sign for Caroling  6 times, as well as my many signs for stuff 

to be taken to the nursing home. Thank God for computers and printers.

Letters I wont Send 2/3

dear new no longer friend,

i so wanted to believe we were friends. You pretended we were.

I hate that I counted past three.

I am sad that you revealed you were the monster that interfered when i was new here and washing, that you then derided me, saying some people
just don't appreciate help, when all you did at the time was frighten
and interrupt me. That you, going blind, think that kind of behavior was and is okay,

Then the time you hit me on the bus and hurt my knees
like it was a ha ha and it wasn't. It hurt through the paralysis and added to my constant pain.
How dare you!

And so slowly i realized that i was just a tissue for you.

This is your homeland and your family is near. I foolishly shared the little i had, the little access, the freebies, the extras.

And slowly it has dawned on me, that you share nothing, really. Not the family you talk about, nor even the opportunity to pick something up when your friends take you shopping.

My lack is mobility, not insight or feeling. I am so sad to realize how jive you are.

Always Something

May 19

Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly

I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.

I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.

i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....

Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?

No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.

I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...
Graceless.

I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?

Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....

then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....

____________________________________________

my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
_________________________________________________
and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.
Sigh.

God help me. Heal me.

Making Real the Dream

Martin Luther King, jr. I hold you more dear now than I did before your died. I was a child
who wrote

the man, the dam who stayed the flood
is gone
for now, I wash all violence from my mind
for him
but deep deep deep
runs the river of revenge
the wrongs incense me
the dam is gone

not sure about the line breaks but I remember how his death awoke something fierce and sad in me.
an ache i sobbed when the integrated couple on NPR shared thes tory of the nieghbor rining the bell of the house
and when the black woman asnwered, asked for the lady of the house. I don't know why... worse has does happen but i burst into tears remembering how that store in Pawling would not let me rent a video and how Ira argued with me for 4 hours, didn't believe me until he went back to rent a video machine and this is surely surely not the worst, not death, but it's how that casual denial, the casual insult is a kind of bellwether, how easily you can be stopped, spun around, deterred and even if your skin is thick, it's that you have to go through this somethingwithouit reason


an how this disability has quadrupled the going throughness... black female and disabled? how many ways must i be made separate from the world i came to be in?

it's a dark day, winter has come because it is it's season and i struggle to not succumb and pray pray for help with my burdens


the ache for the taste of a childhood forever gone
ache is the word i've thought about today

when you wish upon a star
o my parents made so much beauty and so much hope and love and still i don't fail it
feet feet feet don't fail me now
o lord hold my hand while I run this race
o lord let me stand let me claim my place


Amen.

Helping Not Helping

It's taking me two days to eat the pomegranate I retreived from the trash mash of failed vegetables. It was among the dark bruised avocadoes. I found a mango, too. A small triumph of retrieval and I had hopes for the firmness i felt among the soft alligator pears.

The bread this week disappointed. This excess spread over three six-foot tables, loaf upon sorry loaf of stuff I never ate and would not now eat.

Not eating what i never ate has served me well, so I starved genteely in the nursing home after feasting at the hospital where they made gourmet vegetarian options.

Each week some intrepid citizens get or others bring-- I've seen a large black man haul in the bread--- an array of discards.
One morning this included fruit tarts, cheesecakes, cakes as welll as the standard breads. And these not day old, but day of.... a marvel that often includes the multigrain artisanal loaves, my favorite being mutligrain with currants and sourdough pecan raisin.

Ahhh it would be nice to be able to get food from the supermarket. I have a lead again on someone to hire. And yes neighbors have offered, but one was unable to find raw almonds and it required five minutes of discussion to tell her what I meant and where to find them and still she returned with a tiny bag of slivered almonds for baking. I won't bother relate other failures to get single items, because I am grateful that should my need be dire I can make a request.... but old habits die hard and I so miss being resourced and rescourcefull

Anyway scrounging among the trash sometime yileds somthing and the avocadoes were mostly a waste but five spoonfuls from them was wonderful. And in addition to the alien and delicious pomegranate was a mango.

This saves me at least a meal of two extending the time between chinese food orders. And with a Christmas invitation to a mea, it has been a week and half since my last order. So when the Chinese food man came he questioned me a bit more closely as is to discern why I was three days late on my weekly call. We chatted about the two new years and he played with Obi who let him manipulate his body into silly anthropomorhic poses.

But I'm skipping the earlier part of the day. The crochet part has now spun off to a crochet blog. My tall nieghbor was talking to a short man who she kept insisting had a communication problem. His English was fluent and articulate so I didn't know what she meant. His hearing loss left him unable to hear the higher frequencies-- mainly women's voices. This makesme laugh. He is humorous and warm.

Turns out surgery has left him disabled and out of work and his hearing loss and lack of both money and equipment compunds the problem. All these troubles and challenges since coming from Cuba. Anyway I am moved to try to assist--- seems he's fixed several computers for folks but does not have one that works and has no internet connection to boot. I call the Center for Disability Rights--- why:? given thei utter lack of doing a single useful thing for me-- I don't know. Maybe because I believe his probelm is solvable. but no. They won't help me help him. He needs to call. I could have spit I would have or kicked or punched, because I see see seee the obverse of what happens to me.
their smug insistence in not helping and the way they find to not do anything. I'm trying to help the man get the MEANS
to help hinself. An Amplified telephone a TTY. Have him call theyy say make an appointment.

I remember frantically seeking a way to get connected and help to get connected to the net. And I remember frantically searching for the apartment and calling and calling and these organizations set up to help who? did nothing for me except make ecxcuses. And these are the same folks I called to find help shopping, to find help getting an automatic door put on a building that is HUD and asupposed to be wheelchair accessible and the hlep was never forthcoming, only the wasted time.

But I had to ask. and I did, for him. The Center for Indepent Living, as for me in the past, was ever so much more pleasant and kind. They suggested he stop by. I wrote down the information and left him a note under his door.

He was out conducting his own physical therapy, walking with a walker in need of repair. I hope I can hlep myself and then maybe find a way to help Mr. J.