Always Something

May 19

Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly

I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.

I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.

i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....

Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?

No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.

I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...
Graceless.

I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?

Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....

then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....

____________________________________________

my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
_________________________________________________
and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.
Sigh.

God help me. Heal me.