Always Something

May 19

Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly

I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.

I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.

i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....

Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?

No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.

I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...
Graceless.

I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?

Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....

then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....

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my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
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and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.
Sigh.

God help me. Heal me.

Health Care Costs

why does the same level/designation of visit to the doctor's office cost $85 in February when it cost $70 in July?!!!
I asked the billing department this. I was afforded a discount of $22--- because I told them I had no insurance and then was
salpped with a $10 fee for not paying on the spot.

I was not told/ or asked to pay on the psot, I was not informed that by not paying on the spot, I would be slapped with a $10 fee.....

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but this is just another of the how the #@$$# could I have known, and yet I SUFFER suffer suffer for not knowing.... I am now
heading toward a month of being unable to go anywhere because unbeknownst to me my LiftLine access expired...There is nothing I can do to hurry the process of certification.

Now what the heck might that entail, having obtained certification from my doctor that indeed I am paralyzed?!!! this just breaks my heart again and again this incredibly casual cruelty--- ah yes, they shoudl have notfied me, but their lack of notification does not thing to aid remediation. I can only think that there is some reason for this. I've not been out in the path of something
and so i keep myself contained, quiet.

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I am irked by the "why can't you's" ( why can't you use thee electric wheelchair? Because I can't get in it!)
but i was so affirmed when my friend in the nursing home asked about my aide. What aide? I haven't had an aide since July!!!!

I would so like to have had help, but i couldn't afford to pay $20 an hour with a two hour minumum for the last chore
I could not do--- laundry and to pay $0 and still not have clothes dry....

So i ride my garbage downstairs in my lap Mon to Saturday to toss out in the garbage room that has now become hazardous
with refrigerators on dollies. Sunday the room is closed and so it is my day of rest.... ahhh the cat sleeps as near the wheelchair as he dare, his tail tucked in but comapanionabley close...

I am not alone in this suffering and I cry for them, this is not the life they signed on for, no yard, no stairs and levels to race,
but they forgive me again and again, but it's spring, they look at me likke cam they look outside.... we would have sniffed the snow melt, we would have ventured out...

i dreamt of being instructed on how to move from one palce to another by an alien. I hope this comes true.

Smacked AGain! LiftLine Denies me a Ride!

so i call to book a ride to see the social worker on monday
and they tell me i cant book a ride because ive expired
i expired on feb 28
and i need to be recertified as in reapply and it will take 3 weeks and i need to
submit another picture
and no they can't extend a TEMPORArY permit not even to allow me to take one trip on monday and don't i know that the regular bus has a lift just like liftline though they don't know if it stops anywhere near where i am going.....
and i should have known this because it says temporary on my pass....
my pass?
yes the pass you are supposed to present to the driver...
i haven't looked at that pass for a year, because the driver already arrives
with my name and information...

why wouldn't you notify me that my time was up?
to which there was no answer--- i should have known what i could not have known

so once again, i'm up shit's creek without a paddle...

there is the medical motor service which put me on hold and hung up on me, but i think they are
$25 each way... the other service is $65... they rely on medicaid to pay, but sine i don't have medicaid , it would pay twice thee cost of a doctor''s visit to see the doctor!

Lord, give me strength!