Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Lord, I am Wounded, I am Blessed

I am so hurt, so broken, so sad, so beaten up, so abused, so lacking and so in mourning.An idiot neighbor attacked
me, fighting over the laundry room. I stopped her from starting her wash, telling her i had clothes in the dryer, and strapped to my body was my next pile of laundry to dry. I removed the dry, put in the wet and as i began to fold thedry she went off on me. And to tell the truth. I on her, as the rules are only one person to the closet sized
wash room at a time... She was annoyed at me folding, but as washing takes less time than drying--- there was no way for her to finish anything until i wadone anyway. We got into it until i remembered that i was not short, but in a wheel chair. This sudden recognition depressed me and I snatched up the unfolde clothes piling them on my lap
and wheeled into my apartment--- which is right across from the laundry room. Hers. too is on this floor, so yes she could have marked her claim to the washing machine and retreated to let me just fold and fishi in peace, but no.

So I arose early, ate early did my ablution early early so that when the knock on the door to change the locks came, i would not wirthe and roll back and forth, I would not be stressed or rushed, but gusee what--- they won't be doing the locks today as we ere notified they would be, and I don't trust them nor want them owrking on the door locks
when I am not here.

This is not paranoia as the lock change is occasioned by the losss of the master keys and further, the office door
being left unlocked subsequent to that..... and remembering how in the past, they just opened the door on me twice, while i lay in bed undressed... see I thought this was America and that people couldn't just enter you space unannounced....

but no if you are disabbled, not if you are cripple, not if you are handicapped... for me this is no differently abled, this is jacked up, this is pain and humiliation

YET YET YET o Lord, I have been rescued and rescued and rescued for that RESCUE and to my RESCUERS all I
give Thanks and PRAISE for hearing my abject need and responding to it... especailly as it did not come from anyplace expected or even imagined and it has been terrific and kept me from killing myself as I did consider last year as I went hungry and worried and was hurt again and again and abused by the medical establishment o thank you Lord for that part being over... the pharmacy that wouldn't ever set a time for delivery thank you for freeing me from their meds! And the MONSTERS at Visiting Nurse Service at Rochester, that stole money and time from my care that I had to pay for and treated me horribly, o what hell that was, deriding and chiding me for asking for the aid who worked, calling her and having ten minute conversations with her while she was working with and on me... and through all that working and working, puttin in all thos UNPAID hours, trying to move things forward, only to be abused and exploited by my boss.....

and the shock of it all, to enbcounter this monstrousness at this stage in life. to hold the shimmering dream of what I aimed for--multiple careers, family, community and worked for and achieved, to have it all dismantled and
derided and denied....

Lord di I need these lessons? Didn't I work hard, get three dgrees, put in 60 to 80 work weeks, love and marry, and love again, want babies, create a home, devote myself to my art, to organizing, to human rights, to being
good and not turning on my brethren or sistren for the coporate tokens. And maybe yes, this is what has spared me total and abject destruction, maybe that is what has enabled rescue. But still I yearn for what I had-- moblity , the ability to plantm y garden and mail my letters walking up the hill to the post office, to go and see my family... o please let me walk again so i can see my father before he forgets me totally... he only remebers me a little,
I am a reflex, and he tells me everytime we talk "To thine Own Self Be True". I tell him the stories he told me and rhen he remembers protecting the store, selling applesl, how Flrrie was the rough parent, she might take a broom stick to someone. I love my father so much. I am so much his creature and my mothers and I feel in this frailty I fail their great bright dream. And i want to help with him, spell his wife and take care of him because he was such a great and tender caretaker. O god! He was so good with me as a teenager, as I suffered my periods, he understood.
He knew I inherited my shyness from him along with my hayfever and flat feet. He kept my mother and I connected and relating until I fell in love with her again. He didn't mess up at all at all until my divorce, which is probably why it bothered me so much....
Anyway the blessing of his huge love and understanding is another reason I haven't offed myself. HE worked too damn hard for me to toss this away and he survived Korea nad Harlem and th post office to create his blue heaven....

The radio was playing song for my Father, by the way, which i started sining, so i left my stupid lament to at least mourn and yearn for something wonderful, to sit with my Daddy- O again.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Crow Sky

It was stunning and a bit scary. Though we couldn't hear it, the real time visual seemed to fill the ear with the flapping of wings. They were massing, they were moving and they weren't in the lovely v phalanx of geese. I don't even remember if there were cas. but they came and broke, it seemed, against the edge of the buidling some dashing toward, some near grazing the window.

The cats watched, too....

I read that crows do this for reasons we don't know. They mass on a psot in late fall in late day... I never saw this before and I haven't seen it again...

Monday, November 05, 2007

Letters I wont Send 2/3

dear new no longer friend,

i so wanted to believe we were friends. You pretended we were.

I hate that I counted past three.

I am sad that you revealed you were the monster that interfered when i was new here and washing, that you then derided me, saying some people
just don't appreciate help, when all you did at the time was frighten
and interrupt me. That you, going blind, think that kind of behavior was and is okay,

Then the time you hit me on the bus and hurt my knees
like it was a ha ha and it wasn't. It hurt through the paralysis and added to my constant pain.
How dare you!

And so slowly i realized that i was just a tissue for you.

This is your homeland and your family is near. I foolishly shared the little i had, the little access, the freebies, the extras.

And slowly it has dawned on me, that you share nothing, really. Not the family you talk about, nor even the opportunity to pick something up when your friends take you shopping.

My lack is mobility, not insight or feeling. I am so sad to realize how jive you are.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Letters I Won't Send 3/3

I suddenly realized that i should post these here on my blog. The miscreants I write about won't read them, so why not?

This is the latest one:
dear bible study group,

i won't return. i should have left as soon as i realized that it was organized by the same self centered biddy who brought a baby to our thursday matinee and remained, right in front of me, who could not run away, with the screaming, restless, nosy armling throughout the whole movie.

And i should not have stayed after i was left to struggle in the door unassisted --- aid only being offered as i struggled to replace the chair i had to move to get in the door

and i should have left when i suggested the door be left open for bit, in case anyone else was looking for the meeting as neighbors in the other half of the community room were partying and not in the mood to direct anyone next door.

Because no, they did not tell me the meeting was on the other side of the divider and why make finding it hard?

And i won't come back, because no one asked my name nor told me their's
only aksing if i had a bible with me and if I had a piece of paper. And yes, I came with all of that.

And i won't come back because I was not asked what i migh know or want to know

And i won't come back because we actually read next to nothing, instead only glanced at verses while the old man spoke from another place and time

And i won't come back because i dropped my bible as i packed up and in so doing lost my tiny knitting needle.

and no one called me back for it, nor picked it up and so yes it was there the next day, a white arrow on the dark floor, pointing toward the door.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Learning to Drive Again

Medicab... o... what money will do...imagine a service where someone holds the door open for you and you are assisted on and off the vehicle.... you are assited into the building....

o god! this brings tears to my eyes! I realize that i didn't imagine that it was hard.... that it is hard... and i was not able to afford these samll but energy saving and fear mitigating niceties. I get to use Medicab for my VESID appointments whic I had forgotten and only remembered in time for these visits..... what a difference it made to not worry about being late.... not that i've ever been, but not to worry to not worry!!!! and thento be able to call the cab because i finished early!!! vs sitting around for the hour... o mi gosh....

but i still ache, quake with fear . it was hard hard hard and i was nevous and firghtened and i feel awful about not being able to drive with my hands and i wrenched myself getting in and out of the chair.... though i see it is possible it is possible... i just don't want to have ot keep going through this hard scary stuff it took me so long tolearn the little i know i dont want to lose it i dont want it lost to me i want to be able to drive my car and this says i wont

i ache

Friday, October 12, 2007

Fish Synchronicity

There is a special shopping bus on Wednesdays and
my neighbor shared with me the two new fish he purchased
at the pet store next to the supermarket, on our ride home.
I knew it
was synchronicity! Sadly, he didn't know the name of
the fish, and i was newly acquainted with an array of
fish tank fish as I had read about them to carve some
for a rubberstamped fish swap.

Wow. we usuallally don't talk and the beautiful
Brian, the only driver to ever ever assist me
and assist me he does, was not there..

And still there was this twinkle of magic... I could chat about tank conditions and ask about
plants and walter and popualtion and size and just from the reading i did to make
some art.

If i can remain motivated and in the glow I will make him a couple of images
from the stamps..... I've carved a broadbill swordfish, an oscar, silver dollar fish
and angel fish. This carving has connected for me , for this moment and so I've started
a carving blog: Image, Carve, STamp

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Criminal Neglect, Criminal Indifference

Outside the building, the smokers gather. Other times it's the watchers and the gossips. there was a time when I would welcome such community, but generally it is the least attractive, the hideous and the negative energy radiators, squatting and sprawling like bugs and reptiles in the sun. This is perhaps unfair to reptiles and to lovely insects. What irks me is that they make entry and exit a chore; that I must run the gauntlet to get through, that there is a lovely courtyard of trees and tables and benches to sit in, that they choose the small and difficult to traverse front entry to occupy.

Now this crew of gossipers said nothing and did nothing about the criminal negligence of our building management. Even as I write this I know it is wrong to compare or link their gracelessness with dangerous indifference. On Saturday a neighbor called to let me know that N., our building manager lost the master keys to this 22-story apartment building over a month ago and told no one, well, no tenant.

I immediately got on the internet, got on the phone, called the police, the crime line. I also called our weekend emergency number and demanded that my lock be changed. The guy said "O I thought that security situation was resolved a month ago" thereby affirming that what I heard was true! There was a loss, a breach and it was a month ago.... He called me back to tell me that the building had 200 locks on order and that if I replaced the lock myself, I would not be reimbursed.

I wrote HUD, the Democrat and Chronicle, WHEC-TV, the Center for Disability Rights. Monday, my lock was changed.

I learned that there was an attempt to get into someone's apartment and the key broke off in the lock, that another tenant's apartment was ransacked while they were at church.

How hundreds of people's lives and property could be so disrespected is beyond me.
We get a monthly news flyer, which held only banal meaningless announcements:
Halloween party, don't wash on weekends if you are retired.... not a word about the security breach, no warning, even....

And insult to injury, we are facing a rent increase on November 1, and received
letters to this effect. Again no notification.

A week ago, I received a note that there was a package for me. I entered the open door to thee community room and went into the anteroom where packages are kept. As i picked up my package the alternate building manager, S. apppeared and told me " You should ask us to get the package for you. You shouldn't be here"

The door was open, I told her. Well, we're responsible for the packages.
You dear reader, may already understand the insult and inanity of this. How could I take what I did not have access to? Why would I be upbraided for retrieving my own mail?
Let me underscore the insult of this by saying I'm in a wheelchair, moving slowly.....

And, on reflection, this .....person could see fit to berate me for entering an open door to pick up what was mine while she KNEW that access to the ENTIRE
BUILDING was in the hand of person or persons unknown. Midtown Manor is 22 stories--- about 175 apartments..

I cannot think of words harsh enough for this hypocrisy, this crass and criminal indifference, this oppressive, dangerous, nasty arrogance.

If you are of a praying mind, pray for my idiotic, elderly, frightened, weak neighbors. I told a woman with MS about the loss of the keys, she said she knew, was frightened and had discussed it with her psychiatrist.

Why didn't her psychiatrist call HUD, the Housing Council, the police?!!!!
Or advise her to take action?!!!

I am grateful, grateful for my Mac, for my access to the internet, for the ability,
despite my disability, to communicate.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

My Poetry Reading

The REading

Genesee Poetry Reading Series 9/11/07
1. Seneca
2. After 9/11 in the Small Town
3. Above
4. Aint gonna Study War No More
5. Worship
6. Family
7. Daddying
8. Dementia
9. She knits Acrylic hosannas
10. Vegetarian Reflects
11. Bad Movie
12. Health Care
13. No Young People Here
14. Mouse Song
15. For the Tree
16. Continuum

It’s so curious to me --- that, as when I send poems out for anthologies or magazines and they chose my least loved poems, what people chose to mention.

I loved the story the man shared with me about visiting a home he had lived in for 8 or 9 years at which he had planted pine/fir trees . #0 years after there was a forest. So he felt my Tree poem.

I hope my catalpa is still there, still growing.

I squeezed out several poems in getting ready for this reading: Two new daddy poems, Above, a new 9/11 poem, For the tree and I finished Continuum. So 25% of what I read was fresh off the press.

I read with Patricia Roth Schwartz and the work was complimentary-- a delight. I was glad to be able to enjoy the reading... I like going first so I can relax and listen to other poet.

The space was a small lecture room, the new performance space.... the fireplace still there, but half the large room filled with risers and there were lights, so it was reall theatrical....

I bought a yellow, three-hole binder to match my blaring taxicab yelllow crocs. This was a good move.

Marlene remembered and brought a very handsome music stand..... hmmm i have a gorgeous brass stand that Genny, my departed Aunt, gave me, that i have used for readings through the years... I see it in my car trunk, but I'm not sure where it is.....

Thanks to all who have supported my continuance. It was so wonderful to feel good, to be so immersed in the moment that had nothing to do what what I couldn't do, but everything to do with all
I be and am and aspire to be.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Max Roach Ascends

O! listening to Terence Blanchard on NPR I just heard that Max Roach died!

socially conscious innovator

I last saw him playing with Toni Morrison reading and Bill T. Jones dancing at Lincoln Center.
It was transcendent.

I first heard him in my mother's womb.
I am so grateful he was here.
I called my Daddy to mourn with him, to celebrate with him.
I told him Max had been sick, in hospice, that he was 83.

My Daddy taught me so much so much he shaped me, gave me ears, playing Max and Clifford Brown and dizzy and Miles and
MJQ and sonny rollins and Ben Webster and neary every name I know he taught me. He was a connoisseur of all things hip which in those days, were deep, spiritual and rigorous. And losing Max feeels like losing family, someone Daddy dug that I dug them too, then and always, because Max went out ( as in music) as I grew up. And I was demonstrating for freedom and agitating and his music affirmed all of that and more.

O Max! Thank you so much so much so much for creating such connection
and making the bright hot cool light of our yearning
and dreaming and striving,
Bless you.

Dead Man Falling

Someone died at 475 East Broad Street Midtown Manor
My neighbor saw his brains splashed on the ground
after we returned from the special shopping run
provided by medical motor services

I had just directed her attention to the courtyard . she's new here and I was telling her what a lovely place it is during the day. How quiet and peaceful.

and she said o i thought i saw a body there
she did see the body and more
and she alerted management to the death just outside their office window.

When she went to tell the manager she was told "I'm on the phone, I'm busy"

this is such a time and place of despair. was it the environment or the person
personal tragedy?

He couldn't have been pushed says the maintenance guy because the balcony rails are 4 feet high.

He didn't live here, he just came here to die.

He may have been shot and pushed someone else said. When they finally turned him over , two
hours later after lying with his brains splattered on the concrete, when they turn him over the coroner
a she, jumped back I was told.
It's not just the brains, it was the stomach or pelvis, gut spill.

the police had said he may have jumped from the balcony on the 12th floor...
is the door always open they asked me after knocking urgently on my door
more often than i like i said
because i have a sign asking that the door be kept closed to keep the bugs out

i digress.... someone either jumped or was pushed today between 1015 and noon.

by the afternoon i learn i was not from my balcony but higher up. The cleaning lady saw his body fall past her as she ate lunch on the 15th floor.

Debbie on the second floor heard him hit, thought it was a gunshot.

Why was it left for Katharyn and i to see, I don't know. Had it happened only moments before? We were the last to enter from the shopping group as I in the wheelchair am the last one unpacked and unloaded and she waited with me... In fact I had even checked my mail first before pausing at the elevators to gesture toward the courtyard.....

this early evening i called Lynne to see how Katharyn fared and we decided to go downstairs to the site-- i with prayers and sea salt for cleansing and she with incense. She had already lit and left a white candle and there was a white rock with a wreath of leaves and her candle, burning, invisible to the eye but visible in the glass and this i saw with discomfort was right in front of the rear entrance.... the wide glass entrance

and people tracked right through his blood and flies still buzzed and i saw the wavy white lin of salt
i had cast as i rolled and prayed.....

we spoke with Dolores a tall long bowlegged woman like a walking sculpture with pink and white nails and a short thick fro an african bracelet on her ankle she was distressed and knew that Sam
the deceased had attended East House, a program not a place and that he lived in Savannah Gardens, the units facing Midtown Manor that framed the courtyard and her plump pretty little girl contributed a small branch to the shrine and then a woman who looked to me to be in pain but who smiled named Sabrina came. She had many tiny teeth and was dressed all in black .

she had placed the stone and had come upon the dead man and had watched the fireman spread his blood with their hoses, sadly she said washed up on the building.

She asked me if I was Wiccan. LOL! and she appreciated how there were three women holding wake
making peace in the space.

I worried about the young mother who had seen him fall. Dolores said these young people treat it like watching a movie, not like you or I. after i had suggested that maybe the young mother might need to see someone after seeing such horror.

I spoke of my godmother, a woman I loved and respected and admired, who losing her sight, wrapped her head up and leapt. She had been a psychiatric nurse and so I guess her brains weren't spalltered to hosed off the sidewalk.

Did the children now thronging the courtyard see. Dolores was concerned that no one had tracked Sam... someone should have been in touch with him, I confessed that I had considered doing the same thing but remained, if only because so many worked so hard for me to be here even in this half life.

Last night i had not slept well. Jacquie told me the same. What good is prescience, if we could not act, send out comfort, put out the fire of despair, discomfort that woke us in the wee hours.

Though Sam lived in Savannah, I head he came to Midtown Manor to say goodbye to a friend on the 18th floor. Who was it?

Sabrina thanked us. We thank her for her good intention. She thought it might have been a friend of hers, she couldn't tell from the bashed up body. But the detectives told her no it wasn't.

She said she wished she had met me earlier. Earlier than what I wondered. I asked her if she was in pain and she said yes, but she was blessed because she could still walk, unlike me.

Too true.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Making Paper in the Small Space

My Cherub is with me again! All priases for goood Friends who worked on the lock to open the door to get to the pantry
to get the Cherub which happily chewed the purple linen gifted to me over a year ago.

I wasn't able to make the puprple linen pulp into paper-- it needs formation aid. But there is such joy in seeing this incredible tool, invented and manufactured by the brillian Mark Lander of New Zealand, at work!

and there's my patient, loving pointy cat, Obi, with this ears transmitting light.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Charm Making

Inspired by the Game Piece Necklace.

Too bad I only had one of these blue chips, just two red blocks and no
more bright yellow daisy buttons. Yet that's what makes this assemblage
and artmaking so special--- it's nothing that I could have foreseen and purchased.... thanks to Nervousness.org and Pequad
for providing the occasion! What's most amazing is that my stash is far away and these are just from a couple of jars and containers
gifted by new acquaitances made this spring in this apartment building for the
elderly and disabled. I miss my many tools and materials yet I am so affirmed to be able to discover and make relationships with the comparatively little that is on hand.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Justice League, Eagles, Struck, 5 Dead Girls, ArtMaking

A blow to the body by the Supreme Court.

A night so hot, I arose at 4 a.m. watched TV, made bookmarks, and worked:
moving, organizing, cleaning.
Making pulp.

Surely the Justice League is not for kids.
Black female shape shifter discussed Green Lantern's undies drawer with Hawk Girl, his ex.
I've seen his underwear drawer Hawk Gril reminds his current lady. They just saved each other and the world after being assigned together. Martian Jahn tells Green Lantern that contrary to his opinion, he does not take his love life into consideration when making assignments, but we know better. No better way to bury the hatchet, er, claw or magic mace than into a villain than into each other....

Yeah so not for kids what with partner swapping, and Lex Luthor possessed by Brainiac and a fat Oprah meets Condoleeeza Rice figure whose voice sounds like CCH Pounder, manifesting authoritarian paranoia as the US black ops group (sic)
led by her, clones Supergirl and makes several batches of mindless mutants, for you know, just in case the Justice League goes as rogue as the government, what with their protective floating death ray pointed at the planet.

And pre manifestation of the real devil inside, Lex Luthor strives to use his ill gotten billions to become president.
This all to irk Superman because like those we know too well, he doesn't want to govern, he only wants to rule.
Yes, it comes on too late for kids in school, but it's on the kids channel.....


Today is eagle day 198 hacked eagles released into the wilds of New York have set up breeding territories and raised young 1988 meant they had sufficient nesting pairs to stop hacking, no more need to hand rear the young. My cat stares. To see an eagle against a powder blue New York sky is a tingling thing. My thanks to those who worked invisibly so hard to restore a balance undone. We need to take a close and serious look at what the future holds. Have we sufficiently protected wild places? I so wanted to buy a bit of wild. A piece of Steuben hill, a glade with a pond. The amazement of where i lived in that 5 minutes from my small city lot I could be at some critter rich expanse. 5 minutes straight up would land me in Oz. The eagle is safe from extinction for the moment. Good things still get done.


Yesterday was a trip. The old woman Mary leans over and says to me, isn't Brian ( the medical motor services driver) quite a specimen. He's so good looking. She pauses. I don't believe in objectifying people I say coldly and deliberately. She irks me to no end, intruding on my quiet with her inaninity that has now veered to an ugly lust.
I didn't objectify him she protests.
You called him a specimen. I don't like that language I say.
She speaks a bit loudly for conversation, but this i put to her eroding sense of hearing. Later, Brian suggests he heard the whole exchange when he comments from the drivers seat, while the bus is in motion, on something else she has just said to me, something about the bus running on July 4th. Ha! I want to laugh aloud. You imp. So you are letting you know you heard. So doubtless he heard.

My neighbor buddy showed her butt . Late again, not there as the bus was ready to leave, this time I insisted forcefully that we not leave her. That last time I was overridden by another passenger who had insisted that she saw J outside and so J got on another bus. But J said she would only ride with Brian and Brian and we were all packed and she was not there.

C, newly returned from time in the country spelling her sister at her sister's bakery volunteered to go inside and get her. Brian emerged with her grocery cart. packed it on the bus and more minutes pass before J returned. I was pleased that i i had made sure we did not leave her this time and annoyed at what seemed to be an emerging pattern of lateness.... after all all these older old farts and decrepitudes including wheelchair bound me, were packed and strapped on the bus....
why was she tardy?

Anyway that was not the butt showing. The but showing was that she hit me so hard on my leg I felt it... a slow yelp.
So more sensation, but not good sensation and then i realized where she hit me--- on my knee.
What the? I complained but decided not to go off, especially as I had to ponder the sensation. Later, however, I became angry.
What was the context? A flurry of negative anticipations... :"you won't like them, you'll say they suck" this all about something I had not seen. And I asked her to to stop it and then she hit my knee or knees... not sure if it was one or both.

What a drag. This of course is a no win. If I like them, then there is disbelief, If I don't then this is pressure to not render a negative opinion, though she doesn't know me.... this is really incentive for me to say " you're right, these are some whack awful ugly things." But the evolved me, would probably not say anything and just be annoyed at being silenced.

So I've decided a couple of things. One is distance. The other is I pass too well for a well person.
Earlier on the bus, hideous Mary had reached toward me and I was alert and said don't touch.
And she said, O I won't.
But I had seen her put her filthy hands on J's ear lobes and finger her earrings and then have the nerve to ask her how often she cleaned her ears.

When they asked me about earring cleaning, I asked her how often did she clean out her belly button.
Everytime I shower she said .
Well that's how often I clean out and around my earrings.

The presumption is that I can be jostled, jollied, nudged---- meanwhile no one knows or understands what's wrong with me, so how can they think striking me is okay?

They don't think about it at all.

While in the supermarket, contemplating the baked muffins--- I sought pistachio walnut and there weren't any. A kind woman offered to place temptation in a bag for me and we joked about it. An old man said too bad you can't taste it before you buy. I didn't quite hear him at first and he repeated himself. Then having my attention he told me that he had just come form the doctor having made himself sick with grief.

Five young girls died in a head on collision with an SUV here. They had all just graduated from high school. He knew one of them and the grief was putting himself in the place of the father of one of the lost, who was a friend. And it rocked him.
I expressed my condolences and he brought me to near tears and satisfied and saddened he had done so, he thanked me, apologized and bid me adieu.

Now oddly enough he walked by just as the bus arrived outside Wegman's and he approached and began the story again, but without the introductory joke or connection, he just began replaying the tape, grabbing his protruding belly saying where the pain lay.
I told him, you told me this already. I am so sorry for your pain.
It hurts he said.
I know ,I said. Feel better.

Gosh! This is so like my New York City youth. Old people just telling me their stories. Which i don';t remember and didn't even always understand. They still do it!!!! But now I know what they are talking about. NOW I KNOW what they mean.
Why do they still choose me? In the chair, I can actually move further, faster away, LOL!

Clearing out under the sink, mainly to get the vat i knocked against the pipe and it sprang a leak. It was a huge accident waiting to happen. The hole revealed a totally rusted curved. Thing is, the office told me someone would be here immediately. 3 hours, and the need to empty bladder and feed myself later, no one appeared. I called left a message of anger and complaint, not so much the lack of immediacy but the failed expectation..... it's not like any motion away from ready to answer the door can return to ready with any speed... A half hour to pee. An hour to eat.....Solution
put a sign on the door.

Anyway late afternoon the heat finally dissipates. And there is a small bit of homecooked sumptuous made possible by splendid summer. Vine ripened grape tomatoes, tossed in the pan to add sweetness to the fried onion, garlic, basil,garlic salt, pepper, fresh uncut but trimmed lengths of sweet green beans, covered juices of plant succulences. This to moisten the crab fritters, whose batter I made yesterday, but could not bring myself to endure more heat. The tiny hand rolled balls puffed and while delicious, it was not quite the effect I was striving for..... next time add more stuff
to the batter--scallions, red pepper-- yes that's the ticket.

Anyway, this was the sweet redemption of yesterday's trial. Wondrous munchies: wasabi peas, dates,
akmak crackers, hummus, vanilla soymilk for my coffee, an almond croissant for breakfast, ginger beer for dinner and the ability to do a simple saute, even though wheel chair bound.


Another gallery I had work in has closed. Today I got a call from a woman asking me how i would collect my work. It was still the hot hard moment when I was yelling at the cats for being under wheel,too close and cloying.... Anyway I almost cried, another reminder of what I've lost... and more to lose.
She asked me about my job. I told her Iost it as a result of my condition and told her about my condition and also how I didn't even know where to have her send stuff. Home? I'm not there to collect it. Here? Where would I put it...

And she was so so kind to say she would watch it and call me again in August. I did nicely at the gallery, I believe I sold most of what I brought to them and might have sold more, had I been able to replenish the objects....


I so want to go home and make things. I reach for tools that are not here..... my lost to me friend has yet to return the moulds and deckles I lent her, her final act of petulance. She had offered to return the stuff six weeks ago, now. since I had said to leave it in the office, refusing to put myself through another one of her non appointment drama ( she's stood me up 4 times, and is always late or early, never at the agreed upon time) I sadly do not have my best tools at hand. Still, I have
a small M&D and cooked everything I had been saving in the refrigerator and spent hours blendering and rinsing and tomorrow I will venture down to the community room and pull some sheets.

Today, just to play with pulp, I cast some houses, All the little tricks to remember. How wet the pulp should be, how to then layer and extract the water, with screen and sponge..... the thin layer of vaseline on the mould, finger on, swiped of.... ahh.....

And then I remembered how fond i was of methylcellulose for my pulp. and how i don't have any.....
so this will be my first waterleaf in a long time...

may i heal,

Monday, May 28, 2007

Saving Money I Don't Have

I'm just beginning to feel a bit better. Am reproing TONS of receipts to get my rent reduced.
I got a doctors letter, handed in list and receipts and it wasn't enough proof....
So now i've spent another day and a half, scouring and gathering and reproing....
After working on this about a month in winter.

I was about to throw my hands up on this--- she said my first pass had only yeilded $1930(!!!)
So I've got an immediate $600 with the outrageous cost of the lifeline service and another $600 with home health aides....
(sigh) it's some weird formula of more than 3% of income.

The only upside to this is perhaps being able to use this information on taxes as a deduction ( the tax lady will let me know, but now i have all the categories and receipts organized

I went to VESID vocational and educational services for individuals with disabilities last Thursday,
I got there waaay too early-- i didn't realize it was about 6 blocks away. anyway there as a woman who kept entering my space. After the session, conducted by a woman painful to look at... rivulets of fat broke and pillowed every limb. She kept tugging on her green shirt to pull it down. Her stomach / pubis bulged as if she were naked because of all these lines of fat and yet... as overstuffed as her skin was with fat, she was not a "big" person,,,,, she just sat in front of us and spoke for about an hour.....

Anyway I had moved away from a woman twice.I fled to the building lobby to fill out the forms and await the bus. she came down to lobby and over to where i was sitting and dumped her bag in the chair nearest me and dug around for keys.

Then she said Hi my name is _____.
And i said have a good afternoon
and she said aren't you going to tell me your name.
So I stopped what i was doing, and looked up at her, looked at her for the first time in her face
and said NO
and then turned back to my form filling

and she stuttered o0ooo-kay.
What the?

I told my neighbor this story and how i realized this woman kept trying to crowd me - in the waiting room and then later in the orientation room and my neighbor told me I should watch out (semi joking) and that this VESID served a lot of the AA and exdruggie folks.

They offer a lot--- training, hand holding, house fixing, driver training... told a story about helping a guy learn to make neon signs, paying for license fees....ooo.. what can i think of to get a license doing?
I would love to learn to weld --- arc/ TiG welding, but am not sure it's something i could do sitting
So my thought today was to ask VESID to help me train as a psychotherapist.... and i could specialize in poetry therapy.....
maybe gerontological psychology if there is such a thing?

Always Something

May 19

Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly

I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.

I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.

i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....

Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?

No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.

I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...

I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?

Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....

then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....


my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.

God help me. Heal me.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Making Money

I need....
to walk again
always be clear , I need help to walk again and then help to make money so I can buy my healing....
there's ways to help me walk again and if I had money, perhaps I could buy the means

Soo what I am doing now?
Just finished taching a workshop at the very institution from which I was fired. See, Universe, I'm grown up, I did not let my piqque or pride stannd in the way of earning a few more sheckles, thought th e effort was frought with--- argh!

I was stuck on the #%$%#$ lift!!!! And then found out my workshop was underpriced and then this week.... thee lift went up and down twice before allowing me to exit! ARGH!!!!!!!

Okay so offering workshops--- like gambling to then do a TON of work..... I wasn't told the workshop would open until
days before, fortunately I have thought long and deeply about the topic and taught it before.
What elsr to do? Make things. But the one place that bought the things I made... has taken oh.... six weeks to pay me the mere $90 worht of good theey purchased!

What else to do? Send work out. Sorry to note that nothing has beeen accepted of late.. o-- yes a pone,but no pay for that
and not in a sufficiently auspicious venue. Why do all these palcees now reqquire you pay to be rejected? Becuase peolpe will pay to be rejected and the venues pocket the cash.

What else to do: enter contests. Here's my latest contest entry:

Delicious dishes make the most messes. The red splatter of tomato sauce, leaping out the pan, the hard fried bits of onion, the scummy slick of olive oil hardened by heat, and the crusty bits of green pepper,left a multicolor mess around the made- from-scratch spaghetti sauce. Bounty was used to gather the bits and rub the first layer off. Then dampened, Bounty was used to scrub the spills all away with scouring powder. Rinsed and wrung out, Bounty finished the job, wiping the white stove top clean again and leaving it pristine.

What else to do:
Cry and pray.

Monday, April 16, 2007

More Trials and Tribulations

the city - Corning-- will impound my car by wednesday
it has a new reg about cars without license plates.
i *just* turned in my license plates so i wouldn't be wasting money paying for a car I can't drive
so just as i recover from one mess here's another
even though my car is in my own driveway....in my driveway in my yard


my friends rapped to the police to get a stay of execution--- they were going to impound my car today!
i called the police and they said that they would give me some time but not months
and that staying under a tarp wasn't good enough
and that staying under a tarp in the carport wasn't goood enough either
that it has to bee in a garage

so it seems that i may have to reregister the car--- that is pay again for insurance
or pay for it to be housed in a garage....
i've got to figure out which is cheaper.....


i've written the city manager:

Dear City Manager,

I was stricken with idiopathic transverse myeltis and spent 2005/2006 in a hospital, a nursing home, rehab, and now in an apartment in Rochester, while I try to get my home rehabbed for wheelchair accessibility.

Just last month I turned in my plates, as I was paying for insurance and not driving my car.
My car is in my driveway at 343 East third Street in Corning. It is a Honda Civic EX 4 door sedan, in great shape--- a 1995 with a mere 51,000 miles on it.

Yesterday my friends who assist me with my home told me that the City had tagged my car and that
I had to either get plates, remove it or suffer a fine and have the car impounded.

This is a difficult time for me. I lost my job because of my paralysis, I'm scraping by on social security disability and making ends meet is more challenging than it has ever been before.

I quite frankly, don't understand this law.
I own a home it has a driveway and a carport but i was told it was
not sufficient to have my car in my driveway
not sufficient to have it in the carport
not sufficient to have it under a tarp either......

The the only solution was to have it in a garage, or with plates..

I am asking for time to try to find a solution.

I spoke to the police and they told me I could have some time, but they couldn't say how long.
Since I am making arrangements and inquiries, this will take me some time.

Could I have until mid May ?

Thanks for attention to this matter.


My alderman said he will check into this.

Another Grey Hair Day

My first workshop-- Myth and Transcendence in your life story--- went well. 7 people signed up 5 people were there and the time flew. I arrived at 9:45 and so had time to make the many copies of the 8 or so handouts that I had.

I chatted with Robbi who had brought her adorable 7 month 7 pound poodle, Henrietta. And when the LiftLine bus came, she held the door as I entered the lift.

Where I was stuck. It started and stopped. And the door was unopenable and we both turned things on and off, pushed buttons and levers.

I was afraid I wouldn't get home--- more than the fear of stuck on the lift in the airless shaft, I didn't want LiftLine to leave without me and have me be without a way home.

I asked her to call 911 and within 2 minutes the handsome men of the fire department were there.
Many--- like about 5 guys, LOL!

They finally listened to me (vs. calming me down) and slid a metal thing to open/unlatch the door. then they carried me down the stairs and I got on the bus home.

So now I faced yet another fear--- being stuck on the lift..... the the bad part was I forgot my cell phone today, so if it had to happen ( vs any of the many times I was left alone or arrived alone at W&B) it was good it happened this way.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Health Care Costs

why does the same level/designation of visit to the doctor's office cost $85 in February when it cost $70 in July?!!!
I asked the billing department this. I was afforded a discount of $22--- because I told them I had no insurance and then was
salpped with a $10 fee for not paying on the spot.

I was not told/ or asked to pay on the psot, I was not informed that by not paying on the spot, I would be slapped with a $10 fee.....

but this is just another of the how the #@$$# could I have known, and yet I SUFFER suffer suffer for not knowing.... I am now
heading toward a month of being unable to go anywhere because unbeknownst to me my LiftLine access expired...There is nothing I can do to hurry the process of certification.

Now what the heck might that entail, having obtained certification from my doctor that indeed I am paralyzed?!!! this just breaks my heart again and again this incredibly casual cruelty--- ah yes, they shoudl have notfied me, but their lack of notification does not thing to aid remediation. I can only think that there is some reason for this. I've not been out in the path of something
and so i keep myself contained, quiet.


I am irked by the "why can't you's" ( why can't you use thee electric wheelchair? Because I can't get in it!)
but i was so affirmed when my friend in the nursing home asked about my aide. What aide? I haven't had an aide since July!!!!

I would so like to have had help, but i couldn't afford to pay $20 an hour with a two hour minumum for the last chore
I could not do--- laundry and to pay $0 and still not have clothes dry....

So i ride my garbage downstairs in my lap Mon to Saturday to toss out in the garbage room that has now become hazardous
with refrigerators on dollies. Sunday the room is closed and so it is my day of rest.... ahhh the cat sleeps as near the wheelchair as he dare, his tail tucked in but comapanionabley close...

I am not alone in this suffering and I cry for them, this is not the life they signed on for, no yard, no stairs and levels to race,
but they forgive me again and again, but it's spring, they look at me likke cam they look outside.... we would have sniffed the snow melt, we would have ventured out...

i dreamt of being instructed on how to move from one palce to another by an alien. I hope this comes true.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Smacked AGain! LiftLine Denies me a Ride!

so i call to book a ride to see the social worker on monday
and they tell me i cant book a ride because ive expired
i expired on feb 28
and i need to be recertified as in reapply and it will take 3 weeks and i need to
submit another picture
and no they can't extend a TEMPORArY permit not even to allow me to take one trip on monday and don't i know that the regular bus has a lift just like liftline though they don't know if it stops anywhere near where i am going.....
and i should have known this because it says temporary on my pass....
my pass?
yes the pass you are supposed to present to the driver...
i haven't looked at that pass for a year, because the driver already arrives
with my name and information...

why wouldn't you notify me that my time was up?
to which there was no answer--- i should have known what i could not have known

so once again, i'm up shit's creek without a paddle...

there is the medical motor service which put me on hold and hung up on me, but i think they are
$25 each way... the other service is $65... they rely on medicaid to pay, but sine i don't have medicaid , it would pay twice thee cost of a doctor''s visit to see the doctor!

Lord, give me strength!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

V Day at Midtown Manor

our V Day party. Very sweet with door prizes, cake, cookies and potatoe chips, dip, drinks .....yeah, fun. The crochet group was the talk of the room and I tried to get other people to say they would come and hang out with us--- even to do other needle/fiber work.

I'm going to try to do a play about this place... it is so alien to me... i know i am here, but feeel so disconnected and wierd
with listening to the radio and how peopl in Rochester talk about Midtown like it's on the moon

the lead paint ordinance
trying to get an italian village as a attractor to get people to visit midtown
this alien NET neighborhood empowerment teams
connect the Amtrak and the bus station
Rennaissance Square

Friday, February 16, 2007

my house is hurt

Last saturday my wonderful neighborfriend saw an alien ice formation on the side of my house while she walked the dog.
Soon she called Karen and Jinm, they had the fire department pump 2 inches of water out of my basement. A pipe burst....
and this despite paying $100s on gas heat each month..... WAHHHHHHH! okay so i called insurance who said call Service Master and the plumber..... the plumber said ahhh the furnace was damaged in the flood and needs fixing....

Wonderful Connie told me:

The CAC guy was no where near as resourceful and knowledgeable and just
plain willing as Jesse. Jesse not only came back, but got the CAC guy to
come back and together they fixed the furnace. (I stood there watching,
feeling like a girl. Sometimes I think I'd like to go on the job with Jesse
for like a month and learn everything I can.) They told me to leave the
heat up very high (around 80 degrees) until Tuesday morning when I will
bring it back to 65 degrees. That's what you had it on, right? This is to
make sure all of the pipes are thawed.

I know that Jesse has two suggestions for your pipes: 1) until you return he
suggests "winterizing" the pipes by putting anti-freeze in them. It may be
a cheap and easy solution for the meantime.
2) He expressed concern over some old cast iron pipes and suggested that now
might be the time to replace them since other repairs will be needed as

As for the rest of the house - Service master gutted the kitchen and pulled
out the wall behind the sink, the sink itself, the cabinets, the ceiling and
the floor. They've also pulled out the ceiling in the dining room and the
living room. I have to double check about the room all the way in the front
of the house. They pulled up the carpet in the dining room but not the rest
of the downstairs.

They have not touched anything on your walls - no photos, no artwork.

The downstairs is very messy. There is plaster dust and some broken glass
on the floor. I will ask them to clean that up.

They did not put equipment up last evening to begin the drying process
because the heat was not on yet. (They left about 3 or 3:30 PM). But, they
said they'd be back this morning to set that up if the heat was on. I
called at 8 AM to inform them, but they haven't called back yet. I've got
to go in a minute but I'll be back in the late morning and will contact them

Well, that's the whole picture. I don't think they've done anything
upstairs which did not get wet. I will double check later this morning.

My heart is with you and your precious and vulnerable house. I am aware of
all the artwork in progress in practically every space I've seen - the
basement, the dining room, the front room, all of it. I'll do my best to
preserve it.

Prayers are welcome.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Another Loss, Another Tragedy For Me

a pipe burst in the wall
my kitchen cieling is on the floor
the fire dept pumped out 2 inches of water from the basement

i am blessed to have wonderful neighbors and friends
maybe this is a blessing in dissguise
i contacted homeowners insurance who said they may have an adjuster out tonight even -- Saturday 2/10

my plumber said he knows what to do and will come out tomorrow to make
sure there is water for heat as i have steam heating

sigh.... i was just chilling out and feeling calm after a day of work....


O! I owe my frends so much--- Connie and Louise and Karen and Jim---- called the fire department who pumped water out of my basement. Connie has been a marvel of calm facilitation as I've been in touch with Service Master, to clean up and dry out, the plumber who has restored heat, Corning Applicance to replace a broken something on the furnace, and the insurance.

Jesse though i was being metaphoric when i told him I couldn't be there , that I was [aralyzed... i could tell so I explained how i cannot walk, cannot stand, and so cannot drive home or even, be driven home to oversee....

and this just as the possibility of assistance in rehab, making accessible has been found and this just as i felt a sense of hope and possibilitymy home my sweet home!!! i miss it so, my tools, my yard, my treees and bushes that i planted....
why am i ever exiled, made bereft?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Honeyfood, Candy, Tea

i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i don't like candy
i ate the candy i ate the candy i ate the candy and i love it! the
coffee candy yum that my friend sent me....

to be reduced to this, to be raised to this coffee on the tongue
with cream and butter, stuff i can't eat but might entertain
melting slowly on my tongue

i needed honey i wanted honey i asked for honey from the store lady for WEEKS.
the store that comes to this apartment building where the woman charges $1 for 3 bananas where she yes, does help the elderly disabled like me and rips us off with rapacious prices,
when, the last time i could walk, "I bought banana's for 25 cents a pound.... argHHH

Went online to my favorite place in Millerton, PA in a magic glen of a honey place and a wonderful entrepreneur made good story.... and it would cost $5 per pound with
shipping so bought instead honey from this place in Dakota--- that
was $4 per pound including shipping.... they sent it priority so it
was here the next day to have with Earl Grey tea i got on ebay that took
ONE day to get here and YUM YUM this honey is exquisite from North
dakota--- wish i could give them a super rating.
i fell less cold with honey and tea again at last--- after weeks without it...
luscious honey love for my tongue, for my tea

sometimes there can be a sweet moment.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Blue Monday

Saturday's window. Today's was darker, starker, white. Todya is blue Monday, thee most dpressing day of the year according to a Brit researcher.
I was supposed to have a visitor who didn't call and didn't show. Adn i dismantled my little photo studio to accomodate
her--- it is the brightest spot and the chair had a pyramid of sheet covered boxes. Niles was dismayed as it has becaome his draped boudoir, his hidey place, from which he can see all yet not be seen. I rpobably would not have vacuumed so assidously and definitely would have eaten both sooner and later...

But the led clip light arrived. it cast a wide beam for it's tiny size, but really i still need a floor lamp to have light,

I'm thinking about a play about the place i'm living.
it's been so hard to write.
Going inside takes me inside, to the pain
should i make peace with my condition nonononononon i scream this is not me
but it hasn't gone away yet. i don't spend the day trembling in fear like i did until november, fear of falling out, falling over the incredible daily fear that exhausted me after riding the liftline

and i still fell grief and fatigue most days
maybe because i am out of noni juice and ginseng
i miss my energy which some said was incredible and maybe now i am just knocked down to normal

i seldom did as much as i wanted to , but it was so much more than i can accomplish now

ginseng ginger help me

all i need is 10% i read just 10% will let me walk again

i feel tingling like when your feeet fall asleep i pray this is an awakening

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Movie Day

Today was movie day.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.

The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.

I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.

, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---

I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.

thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!

Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.

and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday

It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Making Real the Dream

Martin Luther King, jr. I hold you more dear now than I did before your died. I was a child
who wrote

the man, the dam who stayed the flood
is gone
for now, I wash all violence from my mind
for him
but deep deep deep
runs the river of revenge
the wrongs incense me
the dam is gone

not sure about the line breaks but I remember how his death awoke something fierce and sad in me.
an ache i sobbed when the integrated couple on NPR shared thes tory of the nieghbor rining the bell of the house
and when the black woman asnwered, asked for the lady of the house. I don't know why... worse has does happen but i burst into tears remembering how that store in Pawling would not let me rent a video and how Ira argued with me for 4 hours, didn't believe me until he went back to rent a video machine and this is surely surely not the worst, not death, but it's how that casual denial, the casual insult is a kind of bellwether, how easily you can be stopped, spun around, deterred and even if your skin is thick, it's that you have to go through this somethingwithouit reason

an how this disability has quadrupled the going throughness... black female and disabled? how many ways must i be made separate from the world i came to be in?

it's a dark day, winter has come because it is it's season and i struggle to not succumb and pray pray for help with my burdens

the ache for the taste of a childhood forever gone
ache is the word i've thought about today

when you wish upon a star
o my parents made so much beauty and so much hope and love and still i don't fail it
feet feet feet don't fail me now
o lord hold my hand while I run this race
o lord let me stand let me claim my place


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Hierarchy of Needs

To Walk
if i can walk again I can, to paraphrase James Brown Get it myself

I circle round and round what each day must do. I haven't quite found balance as my list lengthens and yes, things get done, I am exhilarated and chastened by my efforts to make something out of yarn--- lees for art, but more for saleable expression. Yet each day of this wonderfully balmy winter, the day rockets by. I started to write flies and then jets, but I am awake til 3 or 4 or last night 5 and i awoke at 9 and as the dressing,cleaning ablution set piece takes two hours more or less--- okay
i comfort myself by saying as an ambulatory person i would have spent this time cooking but still.... i don't have enough day.

How do i help myself walk?
I need help.
So I pray and pray and pray.
I've added exercise.
I need therapy.
This requires money.

A number of people have understood this need for money and responded. But even as I want money,I try to think of it in terms of what I need: I've got sufficient clothing, because I go nowhere.

I need shelter
Money for shelter
Need to have my house made accessible, visitable and most of all inhabitable. I think this will cost
$20 to $30,000 dollars. Again. if someone could do this for me, then the money to do this rehab would not be needed.

It saddens me that unwell, I eat less well than when i was well. I can't juice because I can't get my bulk veggies.

There are things I want, because I think these things will help me make money. I want some new tools-- a headlight, a floor lamp, a wyr knitter, a thing that makes tubes, and more wool, cotton, yarns, color But iremind myself, crying that this yearning, this wanting is a distraction. It makes me feel normal, like i once was, wanting these things, tools and materials, the joy I had making lists
and how i used to not sleep to work out an new idea, a new technique to make objects that used everything i knew like my stoneware covered books inscribed with my drawing of my house with my handmade paper of local plants, on which my poems were enscribed adorned with house figured flameworked glass beads. Remembering this comforts me, but it was not to be a resting place.

I had hoped to make glass covers. I want to make more But what is your need.

I need to improve my mental capacity. I need to figure out ways to make money-- to help me walk and keep me fed housed and clothed

I need to contribute to the wider world as i used to. Teaching the short story writing in tiny Corning was so painful and so wonderful, that children got to meet a me and I got to meet them. How i really felt i empowered and excited young people with papermaking and adults and children with my poetry workshops...
I need to make a giving appointment so the time doesn't fly by without some service beyond myself.
I hate that i am my own baby, requiring so many hours of my attention, I don't enjoy being so self involved, yet on the other hand, I feel that I am not focusing on the right thing