Pain With No Gain

For the 4th time my aide forgot to get me plastic bags. since i'm in a wheelchair and can't carry things, as my hands are needed to propel me, I need plastic bags to carry
waste, spent cat litter, garbage, to the garbage can.

This time I sent her back to the store to get them. She shops with a printed list with pictures and location of each item, cost and a running total. PLASTIC BAGS was hand written in caps with exclamation points for the past two weeks at the top and bottom of the list.

Sending her back to the store to get the bags, because I have none, now, because though it is the 4th time she forgot, she was gone for two weeks. I had six weeks worth of backup and struggled for the last five days to withstand the sstench of bags I had to stuff and keep around to use.

So essentially I spent another $50 to get a mere $51 worth of groceries because several things I wanted were not in the store.


If there were another service, I would use them, but these folks are the only game in
town.

Give me strength.

Tomorrow i see the doctor who has left me in pain for six weeks by refusing to renew my script until i see her.

Letters I wont Send 2/3

dear new no longer friend,

i so wanted to believe we were friends. You pretended we were.

I hate that I counted past three.

I am sad that you revealed you were the monster that interfered when i was new here and washing, that you then derided me, saying some people
just don't appreciate help, when all you did at the time was frighten
and interrupt me. That you, going blind, think that kind of behavior was and is okay,

Then the time you hit me on the bus and hurt my knees
like it was a ha ha and it wasn't. It hurt through the paralysis and added to my constant pain.
How dare you!

And so slowly i realized that i was just a tissue for you.

This is your homeland and your family is near. I foolishly shared the little i had, the little access, the freebies, the extras.

And slowly it has dawned on me, that you share nothing, really. Not the family you talk about, nor even the opportunity to pick something up when your friends take you shopping.

My lack is mobility, not insight or feeling. I am so sad to realize how jive you are.

Blue Monday

Saturday's window. Today's was darker, starker, white. Todya is blue Monday, thee most dpressing day of the year according to a Brit researcher.
I was supposed to have a visitor who didn't call and didn't show. Adn i dismantled my little photo studio to accomodate
her--- it is the brightest spot and the chair had a pyramid of sheet covered boxes. Niles was dismayed as it has becaome his draped boudoir, his hidey place, from which he can see all yet not be seen. I rpobably would not have vacuumed so assidously and definitely would have eaten both sooner and later...


But the led clip light arrived. it cast a wide beam for it's tiny size, but really i still need a floor lamp to have light,



I'm thinking about a play about the place i'm living.
it's been so hard to write.
Going inside takes me inside, to the pain
should i make peace with my condition nonononononon i scream this is not me
but it hasn't gone away yet. i don't spend the day trembling in fear like i did until november, fear of falling out, falling over the incredible daily fear that exhausted me after riding the liftline

and i still fell grief and fatigue most days
maybe because i am out of noni juice and ginseng
i miss my energy which some said was incredible and maybe now i am just knocked down to normal

i seldom did as much as i wanted to , but it was so much more than i can accomplish now

ginseng ginger help me

all i need is 10% i read just 10% will let me walk again

i feel tingling like when your feeet fall asleep i pray this is an awakening