Sunday, January 14, 2007
Hierarchy of Needs
if i can walk again I can, to paraphrase James Brown Get it myself
I circle round and round what each day must do. I haven't quite found balance as my list lengthens and yes, things get done, I am exhilarated and chastened by my efforts to make something out of yarn--- lees for art, but more for saleable expression. Yet each day of this wonderfully balmy winter, the day rockets by. I started to write flies and then jets, but I am awake til 3 or 4 or last night 5 and i awoke at 9 and as the dressing,cleaning ablution set piece takes two hours more or less--- okay
i comfort myself by saying as an ambulatory person i would have spent this time cooking but still.... i don't have enough day.
How do i help myself walk?
I need help.
So I pray and pray and pray.
I've added exercise.
I need therapy.
This requires money.
A number of people have understood this need for money and responded. But even as I want money,I try to think of it in terms of what I need: I've got sufficient clothing, because I go nowhere.
I need shelter
Money for shelter
Need to have my house made accessible, visitable and most of all inhabitable. I think this will cost
$20 to $30,000 dollars. Again. if someone could do this for me, then the money to do this rehab would not be needed.
It saddens me that unwell, I eat less well than when i was well. I can't juice because I can't get my bulk veggies.
There are things I want, because I think these things will help me make money. I want some new tools-- a headlight, a floor lamp, a wyr knitter, a thing that makes tubes, and more wool, cotton, yarns, color But iremind myself, crying that this yearning, this wanting is a distraction. It makes me feel normal, like i once was, wanting these things, tools and materials, the joy I had making lists
and how i used to not sleep to work out an new idea, a new technique to make objects that used everything i knew like my stoneware covered books inscribed with my drawing of my house with my handmade paper of local plants, on which my poems were enscribed adorned with house figured flameworked glass beads. Remembering this comforts me, but it was not to be a resting place.
I had hoped to make glass covers. I want to make more But what is your need.
I need to improve my mental capacity. I need to figure out ways to make money-- to help me walk and keep me fed housed and clothed
I need to contribute to the wider world as i used to. Teaching the short story writing in tiny Corning was so painful and so wonderful, that children got to meet a me and I got to meet them. How i really felt i empowered and excited young people with papermaking and adults and children with my poetry workshops...
I need to make a giving appointment so the time doesn't fly by without some service beyond myself.
I hate that i am my own baby, requiring so many hours of my attention, I don't enjoy being so self involved, yet on the other hand, I feel that I am not focusing on the right thing