A blow to the body by the Supreme Court.
A night so hot, I arose at 4 a.m. watched TV, made bookmarks, and worked:
moving, organizing, cleaning.
Making pulp.
Surely the Justice League is not for kids.
Black female shape shifter discussed Green Lantern's undies drawer with Hawk Girl, his ex.
I've seen his underwear drawer Hawk Gril reminds his current lady. They just saved each other and the world after being assigned together. Martian Jahn tells Green Lantern that contrary to his opinion, he does not take his love life into consideration when making assignments, but we know better. No better way to bury the hatchet, er, claw or magic mace than into a villain than into each other....
Yeah so not for kids what with partner swapping, and Lex Luthor possessed by Brainiac and a fat Oprah meets Condoleeeza Rice figure whose voice sounds like CCH Pounder, manifesting authoritarian paranoia as the US black ops group (sic)
led by her, clones Supergirl and makes several batches of mindless mutants, for you know, just in case the Justice League goes as rogue as the government, what with their protective floating death ray pointed at the planet.
And pre manifestation of the real devil inside, Lex Luthor strives to use his ill gotten billions to become president.
This all to irk Superman because like those we know too well, he doesn't want to govern, he only wants to rule.
Yes, it comes on too late for kids in school, but it's on the kids channel.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today is eagle day 198 hacked eagles released into the wilds of New York have set up breeding territories and raised young 1988 meant they had sufficient nesting pairs to stop hacking, no more need to hand rear the young. My cat stares. To see an eagle against a powder blue New York sky is a tingling thing. My thanks to those who worked invisibly so hard to restore a balance undone. We need to take a close and serious look at what the future holds. Have we sufficiently protected wild places? I so wanted to buy a bit of wild. A piece of Steuben hill, a glade with a pond. The amazement of where i lived in that 5 minutes from my small city lot I could be at some critter rich expanse. 5 minutes straight up would land me in Oz. The eagle is safe from extinction for the moment. Good things still get done.
******************************************************************************
Yesterday was a trip. The old woman Mary leans over and says to me, isn't Brian ( the medical motor services driver) quite a specimen. He's so good looking. She pauses. I don't believe in objectifying people I say coldly and deliberately. She irks me to no end, intruding on my quiet with her inaninity that has now veered to an ugly lust.
I didn't objectify him she protests.
You called him a specimen. I don't like that language I say.
She speaks a bit loudly for conversation, but this i put to her eroding sense of hearing. Later, Brian suggests he heard the whole exchange when he comments from the drivers seat, while the bus is in motion, on something else she has just said to me, something about the bus running on July 4th. Ha! I want to laugh aloud. You imp. So you are letting you know you heard. So doubtless he heard.
My neighbor buddy showed her butt . Late again, not there as the bus was ready to leave, this time I insisted forcefully that we not leave her. That last time I was overridden by another passenger who had insisted that she saw J outside and so J got on another bus. But J said she would only ride with Brian and Brian and we were all packed and she was not there.
C, newly returned from time in the country spelling her sister at her sister's bakery volunteered to go inside and get her. Brian emerged with her grocery cart. packed it on the bus and more minutes pass before J returned. I was pleased that i i had made sure we did not leave her this time and annoyed at what seemed to be an emerging pattern of lateness.... after all all these older old farts and decrepitudes including wheelchair bound me, were packed and strapped on the bus....
why was she tardy?
Anyway that was not the butt showing. The but showing was that she hit me so hard on my leg I felt it... a slow yelp.
So more sensation, but not good sensation and then i realized where she hit me--- on my knee.
What the? I complained but decided not to go off, especially as I had to ponder the sensation. Later, however, I became angry.
What was the context? A flurry of negative anticipations... :"you won't like them, you'll say they suck" this all about something I had not seen. And I asked her to to stop it and then she hit my knee or knees... not sure if it was one or both.
What a drag. This of course is a no win. If I like them, then there is disbelief, If I don't then this is pressure to not render a negative opinion, though she doesn't know me.... this is really incentive for me to say " you're right, these are some whack awful ugly things." But the evolved me, would probably not say anything and just be annoyed at being silenced.
So I've decided a couple of things. One is distance. The other is I pass too well for a well person.
Earlier on the bus, hideous Mary had reached toward me and I was alert and said don't touch.
And she said, O I won't.
But I had seen her put her filthy hands on J's ear lobes and finger her earrings and then have the nerve to ask her how often she cleaned her ears.
When they asked me about earring cleaning, I asked her how often did she clean out her belly button.
Everytime I shower she said .
Well that's how often I clean out and around my earrings.
The presumption is that I can be jostled, jollied, nudged---- meanwhile no one knows or understands what's wrong with me, so how can they think striking me is okay?
They don't think about it at all.
While in the supermarket, contemplating the baked muffins--- I sought pistachio walnut and there weren't any. A kind woman offered to place temptation in a bag for me and we joked about it. An old man said too bad you can't taste it before you buy. I didn't quite hear him at first and he repeated himself. Then having my attention he told me that he had just come form the doctor having made himself sick with grief.
Five young girls died in a head on collision with an SUV here. They had all just graduated from high school. He knew one of them and the grief was putting himself in the place of the father of one of the lost, who was a friend. And it rocked him.
I expressed my condolences and he brought me to near tears and satisfied and saddened he had done so, he thanked me, apologized and bid me adieu.
Now oddly enough he walked by just as the bus arrived outside Wegman's and he approached and began the story again, but without the introductory joke or connection, he just began replaying the tape, grabbing his protruding belly saying where the pain lay.
I told him, you told me this already. I am so sorry for your pain.
It hurts he said.
I know ,I said. Feel better.
Gosh! This is so like my New York City youth. Old people just telling me their stories. Which i don';t remember and didn't even always understand. They still do it!!!! But now I know what they are talking about. NOW I KNOW what they mean.
Why do they still choose me? In the chair, I can actually move further, faster away, LOL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clearing out under the sink, mainly to get the vat i knocked against the pipe and it sprang a leak. It was a huge accident waiting to happen. The hole revealed a totally rusted curved. Thing is, the office told me someone would be here immediately. 3 hours, and the need to empty bladder and feed myself later, no one appeared. I called left a message of anger and complaint, not so much the lack of immediacy but the failed expectation..... it's not like any motion away from ready to answer the door can return to ready with any speed... A half hour to pee. An hour to eat.....Solution
put a sign on the door.
Anyway late afternoon the heat finally dissipates. And there is a small bit of homecooked sumptuous made possible by splendid summer. Vine ripened grape tomatoes, tossed in the pan to add sweetness to the fried onion, garlic, basil,garlic salt, pepper, fresh uncut but trimmed lengths of sweet green beans, covered juices of plant succulences. This to moisten the crab fritters, whose batter I made yesterday, but could not bring myself to endure more heat. The tiny hand rolled balls puffed and while delicious, it was not quite the effect I was striving for..... next time add more stuff
to the batter--scallions, red pepper-- yes that's the ticket.
Anyway, this was the sweet redemption of yesterday's trial. Wondrous munchies: wasabi peas, dates,
akmak crackers, hummus, vanilla soymilk for my coffee, an almond croissant for breakfast, ginger beer for dinner and the ability to do a simple saute, even though wheel chair bound.
***************************************************************************************
Another gallery I had work in has closed. Today I got a call from a woman asking me how i would collect my work. It was still the hot hard moment when I was yelling at the cats for being under wheel,too close and cloying.... Anyway I almost cried, another reminder of what I've lost... and more to lose.
She asked me about my job. I told her Iost it as a result of my condition and told her about my condition and also how I didn't even know where to have her send stuff. Home? I'm not there to collect it. Here? Where would I put it...
And she was so so kind to say she would watch it and call me again in August. I did nicely at the gallery, I believe I sold most of what I brought to them and might have sold more, had I been able to replenish the objects....
***************************************************************************************
I so want to go home and make things. I reach for tools that are not here..... my lost to me friend has yet to return the moulds and deckles I lent her, her final act of petulance. She had offered to return the stuff six weeks ago, now. since I had said to leave it in the office, refusing to put myself through another one of her non appointment drama ( she's stood me up 4 times, and is always late or early, never at the agreed upon time) I sadly do not have my best tools at hand. Still, I have
a small M&D and cooked everything I had been saving in the refrigerator and spent hours blendering and rinsing and tomorrow I will venture down to the community room and pull some sheets.
Today, just to play with pulp, I cast some houses, All the little tricks to remember. How wet the pulp should be, how to then layer and extract the water, with screen and sponge..... the thin layer of vaseline on the mould, finger on, swiped of.... ahh.....
And then I remembered how fond i was of methylcellulose for my pulp. and how i don't have any.....
so this will be my first waterleaf in a long time...
may i heal,
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Saving Money I Don't Have
I'm just beginning to feel a bit better. Am reproing TONS of receipts to get my rent reduced.
I got a doctors letter, handed in list and receipts and it wasn't enough proof....
So now i've spent another day and a half, scouring and gathering and reproing....
After working on this about a month in winter.
I was about to throw my hands up on this--- she said my first pass had only yeilded $1930(!!!)
So I've got an immediate $600 with the outrageous cost of the lifeline service and another $600 with home health aides....
(sigh) it's some weird formula of more than 3% of income.
The only upside to this is perhaps being able to use this information on taxes as a deduction ( the tax lady will let me know, but now i have all the categories and receipts organized
_________________________________________________________
I went to VESID vocational and educational services for individuals with disabilities last Thursday,
I got there waaay too early-- i didn't realize it was about 6 blocks away. anyway there as a woman who kept entering my space. After the session, conducted by a woman painful to look at... rivulets of fat broke and pillowed every limb. She kept tugging on her green shirt to pull it down. Her stomach / pubis bulged as if she were naked because of all these lines of fat and yet... as overstuffed as her skin was with fat, she was not a "big" person,,,,, she just sat in front of us and spoke for about an hour.....
Anyway I had moved away from a woman twice.I fled to the building lobby to fill out the forms and await the bus. she came down to lobby and over to where i was sitting and dumped her bag in the chair nearest me and dug around for keys.
Then she said Hi my name is _____.
And i said have a good afternoon
and she said aren't you going to tell me your name.
So I stopped what i was doing, and looked up at her, looked at her for the first time in her face
and said NO
and then turned back to my form filling
and she stuttered o0ooo-kay.
What the?
I told my neighbor this story and how i realized this woman kept trying to crowd me - in the waiting room and then later in the orientation room and my neighbor told me I should watch out (semi joking) and that this VESID served a lot of the AA and exdruggie folks.
They offer a lot--- training, hand holding, house fixing, driver training... told a story about helping a guy learn to make neon signs, paying for license fees....ooo.. what can i think of to get a license doing?
I would love to learn to weld --- arc/ TiG welding, but am not sure it's something i could do sitting
So my thought today was to ask VESID to help me train as a psychotherapist.... and i could specialize in poetry therapy.....
maybe gerontological psychology if there is such a thing?
I got a doctors letter, handed in list and receipts and it wasn't enough proof....
So now i've spent another day and a half, scouring and gathering and reproing....
After working on this about a month in winter.
I was about to throw my hands up on this--- she said my first pass had only yeilded $1930(!!!)
So I've got an immediate $600 with the outrageous cost of the lifeline service and another $600 with home health aides....
(sigh) it's some weird formula of more than 3% of income.
The only upside to this is perhaps being able to use this information on taxes as a deduction ( the tax lady will let me know, but now i have all the categories and receipts organized
_________________________________________________________
I went to VESID vocational and educational services for individuals with disabilities last Thursday,
I got there waaay too early-- i didn't realize it was about 6 blocks away. anyway there as a woman who kept entering my space. After the session, conducted by a woman painful to look at... rivulets of fat broke and pillowed every limb. She kept tugging on her green shirt to pull it down. Her stomach / pubis bulged as if she were naked because of all these lines of fat and yet... as overstuffed as her skin was with fat, she was not a "big" person,,,,, she just sat in front of us and spoke for about an hour.....
Anyway I had moved away from a woman twice.I fled to the building lobby to fill out the forms and await the bus. she came down to lobby and over to where i was sitting and dumped her bag in the chair nearest me and dug around for keys.
Then she said Hi my name is _____.
And i said have a good afternoon
and she said aren't you going to tell me your name.
So I stopped what i was doing, and looked up at her, looked at her for the first time in her face
and said NO
and then turned back to my form filling
and she stuttered o0ooo-kay.
What the?
I told my neighbor this story and how i realized this woman kept trying to crowd me - in the waiting room and then later in the orientation room and my neighbor told me I should watch out (semi joking) and that this VESID served a lot of the AA and exdruggie folks.
They offer a lot--- training, hand holding, house fixing, driver training... told a story about helping a guy learn to make neon signs, paying for license fees....ooo.. what can i think of to get a license doing?
I would love to learn to weld --- arc/ TiG welding, but am not sure it's something i could do sitting
So my thought today was to ask VESID to help me train as a psychotherapist.... and i could specialize in poetry therapy.....
maybe gerontological psychology if there is such a thing?
Always Something
May 19
Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly
I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.
I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.
i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....
Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?
No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.
I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...
Graceless.
I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?
Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....
then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....
____________________________________________
my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
_________________________________________________
and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.
Sigh.
God help me. Heal me.
Another bad experience, redeemed by moments of grace.
Of course, this happened at the mean-to-me place, wher eI was again,
conducting a writing workshop.
I missed the bus.
It was scheduled to arrive between 1210 and 1230
it arrived at 12:18 and left at 12:22--- allegedly
I came down at 12:20 and wondered aloud where the bus was at 1230
Where upon Olga said-- didn't you hear the page?
No I said and no said the guy chatting me up after class--- and we had the class door open.
I wanted to kill her. No not quite tru. In the moment I knew I had to redirect my energy to saving myself.
I tried not to think of her.
i called and rapped, cajoled and argued and they said they they waited for me and left....
Now..couldn't Olga have asked the bus driver to wait or said I was on my way?
Couldn't the bus driver have come in -- eg announced his departure?
Couldn't the bus driver wait ( he, whoever he was only sat for two minutes and then called it in!)
Couldn't she have come gotten me from the classroom on the second floor?
No. All of these suggestions are too much like grace. It
was my fault for not acting uptight as I usually do, for relaxing my guard.
I was able to get another bus within ten minutes and paid $10 for it.
Then I saw Joe drive up.
you here for Writing Aerobics ?
Yep, I said, it went well.
How many people did you have? he asked,
five I said,
Though only four had signed up and two people not on the list attended....
No how are you doing, how's it going...
Graceless.
I complained to the bus driver about how i made no money today--- $11.75 for transportation pretty much made the whole thing a wash.
Well they paid you more than $10, didn't they?
Yes, I said but after you subtract the time I spent preparing for it and the fact that I'll wait six weeks for my money and it cost me $11.75 ....
Anyway he asked me what i did and I told him i taught writing and he quizzed me closely on it....
lonng story short, mayget a gig....
then he offfered me a sample of Boucheron. I demurred on the box and the man scent sample.
He said see--- that's worth almost $10.
It did take the sting off...
maybe because i was hungry. I just felt so... hurt....
____________________________________________
my dear friend told me her neighbor who's an occupational therapist said 1/2 the complaints she hears from patients aren't about physical things, but about Access-A-Ride--the nyc version off lifttline.
yShe and her mom had to use it and "The driver showed up 1/2 hour
early, had a major attitude and drove about 70 mph on the deegan, then the cross bronx,
weaving in and out of traffic.
it was crazy."
She has a friend who won't tak access-a-ride any more. too many problems, including one
time he begged the driver to drop him off, they insisted on dropping someone else
first, thought it was totally out of the way, he told the driver he had to pee, the driver didn't care
and he peed on himself, a horrible, humiliating experience.
_________________________________________________
and the hurt has lasted for two weeks, a fortnight. Today, Memorial Day, I am just getting over it. I thought I lost ten dollars and was looking for it and the I realized it was the ten dollars I spent on the bus.
Sigh.
God help me. Heal me.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Making Money
I need....
to walk again
always be clear , I need help to walk again and then help to make money so I can buy my healing....
there's ways to help me walk again and if I had money, perhaps I could buy the means
Soo what I am doing now?
Just finished taching a workshop at the very institution from which I was fired. See, Universe, I'm grown up, I did not let my piqque or pride stannd in the way of earning a few more sheckles, thought th e effort was frought with--- argh!
I was stuck on the #%$%#$ lift!!!! And then found out my workshop was underpriced and then this week.... thee lift went up and down twice before allowing me to exit! ARGH!!!!!!!
Okay so offering workshops--- like gambling to then do a TON of work..... I wasn't told the workshop would open until
days before, fortunately I have thought long and deeply about the topic and taught it before.
What elsr to do? Make things. But the one place that bought the things I made... has taken oh.... six weeks to pay me the mere $90 worht of good theey purchased!
What else to do? Send work out. Sorry to note that nothing has beeen accepted of late.. o-- yes a pone,but no pay for that
and not in a sufficiently auspicious venue. Why do all these palcees now reqquire you pay to be rejected? Becuase peolpe will pay to be rejected and the venues pocket the cash.
What else to do: enter contests. Here's my latest contest entry:
Delicious dishes make the most messes. The red splatter of tomato sauce, leaping out the pan, the hard fried bits of onion, the scummy slick of olive oil hardened by heat, and the crusty bits of green pepper,left a multicolor mess around the made- from-scratch spaghetti sauce. Bounty was used to gather the bits and rub the first layer off. Then dampened, Bounty was used to scrub the spills all away with scouring powder. Rinsed and wrung out, Bounty finished the job, wiping the white stove top clean again and leaving it pristine.
What else to do:
Cry and pray.
to walk again
always be clear , I need help to walk again and then help to make money so I can buy my healing....
there's ways to help me walk again and if I had money, perhaps I could buy the means
Soo what I am doing now?
Just finished taching a workshop at the very institution from which I was fired. See, Universe, I'm grown up, I did not let my piqque or pride stannd in the way of earning a few more sheckles, thought th e effort was frought with--- argh!
I was stuck on the #%$%#$ lift!!!! And then found out my workshop was underpriced and then this week.... thee lift went up and down twice before allowing me to exit! ARGH!!!!!!!
Okay so offering workshops--- like gambling to then do a TON of work..... I wasn't told the workshop would open until
days before, fortunately I have thought long and deeply about the topic and taught it before.
What elsr to do? Make things. But the one place that bought the things I made... has taken oh.... six weeks to pay me the mere $90 worht of good theey purchased!
What else to do? Send work out. Sorry to note that nothing has beeen accepted of late.. o-- yes a pone,but no pay for that
and not in a sufficiently auspicious venue. Why do all these palcees now reqquire you pay to be rejected? Becuase peolpe will pay to be rejected and the venues pocket the cash.
What else to do: enter contests. Here's my latest contest entry:
Delicious dishes make the most messes. The red splatter of tomato sauce, leaping out the pan, the hard fried bits of onion, the scummy slick of olive oil hardened by heat, and the crusty bits of green pepper,left a multicolor mess around the made- from-scratch spaghetti sauce. Bounty was used to gather the bits and rub the first layer off. Then dampened, Bounty was used to scrub the spills all away with scouring powder. Rinsed and wrung out, Bounty finished the job, wiping the white stove top clean again and leaving it pristine.
What else to do:
Cry and pray.
Monday, April 16, 2007
More Trials and Tribulations
the city - Corning-- will impound my car by wednesday
it has a new reg about cars without license plates.
i *just* turned in my license plates so i wouldn't be wasting money paying for a car I can't drive
so just as i recover from one mess here's another
even though my car is in my own driveway....in my driveway in my yard
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my friends rapped to the police to get a stay of execution--- they were going to impound my car today!
i called the police and they said that they would give me some time but not months
and that staying under a tarp wasn't good enough
and that staying under a tarp in the carport wasn't goood enough either
that it has to bee in a garage
so it seems that i may have to reregister the car--- that is pay again for insurance
or pay for it to be housed in a garage....
i've got to figure out which is cheaper.....
____________________
i've written the city manager:
Dear City Manager,
I was stricken with idiopathic transverse myeltis and spent 2005/2006 in a hospital, a nursing home, rehab, and now in an apartment in Rochester, while I try to get my home rehabbed for wheelchair accessibility.
Just last month I turned in my plates, as I was paying for insurance and not driving my car.
My car is in my driveway at 343 East third Street in Corning. It is a Honda Civic EX 4 door sedan, in great shape--- a 1995 with a mere 51,000 miles on it.
Yesterday my friends who assist me with my home told me that the City had tagged my car and that
I had to either get plates, remove it or suffer a fine and have the car impounded.
This is a difficult time for me. I lost my job because of my paralysis, I'm scraping by on social security disability and making ends meet is more challenging than it has ever been before.
I quite frankly, don't understand this law.
I own a home it has a driveway and a carport but i was told it was
not sufficient to have my car in my driveway
not sufficient to have it in the carport
not sufficient to have it under a tarp either......
The the only solution was to have it in a garage, or with plates..
I am asking for time to try to find a solution.
I spoke to the police and they told me I could have some time, but they couldn't say how long.
Since I am making arrangements and inquiries, this will take me some time.
Could I have until mid May ?
Thanks for attention to this matter.
________________________________________________
My alderman said he will check into this.
it has a new reg about cars without license plates.
i *just* turned in my license plates so i wouldn't be wasting money paying for a car I can't drive
so just as i recover from one mess here's another
even though my car is in my own driveway....in my driveway in my yard
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my friends rapped to the police to get a stay of execution--- they were going to impound my car today!
i called the police and they said that they would give me some time but not months
and that staying under a tarp wasn't good enough
and that staying under a tarp in the carport wasn't goood enough either
that it has to bee in a garage
so it seems that i may have to reregister the car--- that is pay again for insurance
or pay for it to be housed in a garage....
i've got to figure out which is cheaper.....
____________________
i've written the city manager:
Dear City Manager,
I was stricken with idiopathic transverse myeltis and spent 2005/2006 in a hospital, a nursing home, rehab, and now in an apartment in Rochester, while I try to get my home rehabbed for wheelchair accessibility.
Just last month I turned in my plates, as I was paying for insurance and not driving my car.
My car is in my driveway at 343 East third Street in Corning. It is a Honda Civic EX 4 door sedan, in great shape--- a 1995 with a mere 51,000 miles on it.
Yesterday my friends who assist me with my home told me that the City had tagged my car and that
I had to either get plates, remove it or suffer a fine and have the car impounded.
This is a difficult time for me. I lost my job because of my paralysis, I'm scraping by on social security disability and making ends meet is more challenging than it has ever been before.
I quite frankly, don't understand this law.
I own a home it has a driveway and a carport but i was told it was
not sufficient to have my car in my driveway
not sufficient to have it in the carport
not sufficient to have it under a tarp either......
The the only solution was to have it in a garage, or with plates..
I am asking for time to try to find a solution.
I spoke to the police and they told me I could have some time, but they couldn't say how long.
Since I am making arrangements and inquiries, this will take me some time.
Could I have until mid May ?
Thanks for attention to this matter.
________________________________________________
My alderman said he will check into this.
Another Grey Hair Day
My first workshop-- Myth and Transcendence in your life story--- went well. 7 people signed up 5 people were there and the time flew. I arrived at 9:45 and so had time to make the many copies of the 8 or so handouts that I had.
I chatted with Robbi who had brought her adorable 7 month 7 pound poodle, Henrietta. And when the LiftLine bus came, she held the door as I entered the lift.
Where I was stuck. It started and stopped. And the door was unopenable and we both turned things on and off, pushed buttons and levers.
I was afraid I wouldn't get home--- more than the fear of stuck on the lift in the airless shaft, I didn't want LiftLine to leave without me and have me be without a way home.
I asked her to call 911 and within 2 minutes the handsome men of the fire department were there.
Many--- like about 5 guys, LOL!
They finally listened to me (vs. calming me down) and slid a metal thing to open/unlatch the door. then they carried me down the stairs and I got on the bus home.
So now I faced yet another fear--- being stuck on the lift..... the the bad part was I forgot my cell phone today, so if it had to happen ( vs any of the many times I was left alone or arrived alone at W&B) it was good it happened this way.
I chatted with Robbi who had brought her adorable 7 month 7 pound poodle, Henrietta. And when the LiftLine bus came, she held the door as I entered the lift.
Where I was stuck. It started and stopped. And the door was unopenable and we both turned things on and off, pushed buttons and levers.
I was afraid I wouldn't get home--- more than the fear of stuck on the lift in the airless shaft, I didn't want LiftLine to leave without me and have me be without a way home.
I asked her to call 911 and within 2 minutes the handsome men of the fire department were there.
Many--- like about 5 guys, LOL!
They finally listened to me (vs. calming me down) and slid a metal thing to open/unlatch the door. then they carried me down the stairs and I got on the bus home.
So now I faced yet another fear--- being stuck on the lift..... the the bad part was I forgot my cell phone today, so if it had to happen ( vs any of the many times I was left alone or arrived alone at W&B) it was good it happened this way.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Health Care Costs
why does the same level/designation of visit to the doctor's office cost $85 in February when it cost $70 in July?!!!
I asked the billing department this. I was afforded a discount of $22--- because I told them I had no insurance and then was
salpped with a $10 fee for not paying on the spot.
I was not told/ or asked to pay on the psot, I was not informed that by not paying on the spot, I would be slapped with a $10 fee.....
*********************************
but this is just another of the how the #@$$# could I have known, and yet I SUFFER suffer suffer for not knowing.... I am now
heading toward a month of being unable to go anywhere because unbeknownst to me my LiftLine access expired...There is nothing I can do to hurry the process of certification.
Now what the heck might that entail, having obtained certification from my doctor that indeed I am paralyzed?!!! this just breaks my heart again and again this incredibly casual cruelty--- ah yes, they shoudl have notfied me, but their lack of notification does not thing to aid remediation. I can only think that there is some reason for this. I've not been out in the path of something
and so i keep myself contained, quiet.
***************************************
I am irked by the "why can't you's" ( why can't you use thee electric wheelchair? Because I can't get in it!)
but i was so affirmed when my friend in the nursing home asked about my aide. What aide? I haven't had an aide since July!!!!
I would so like to have had help, but i couldn't afford to pay $20 an hour with a two hour minumum for the last chore
I could not do--- laundry and to pay $0 and still not have clothes dry....
So i ride my garbage downstairs in my lap Mon to Saturday to toss out in the garbage room that has now become hazardous
with refrigerators on dollies. Sunday the room is closed and so it is my day of rest.... ahhh the cat sleeps as near the wheelchair as he dare, his tail tucked in but comapanionabley close...
I am not alone in this suffering and I cry for them, this is not the life they signed on for, no yard, no stairs and levels to race,
but they forgive me again and again, but it's spring, they look at me likke cam they look outside.... we would have sniffed the snow melt, we would have ventured out...
i dreamt of being instructed on how to move from one palce to another by an alien. I hope this comes true.
I asked the billing department this. I was afforded a discount of $22--- because I told them I had no insurance and then was
salpped with a $10 fee for not paying on the spot.
I was not told/ or asked to pay on the psot, I was not informed that by not paying on the spot, I would be slapped with a $10 fee.....
*********************************
but this is just another of the how the #@$$# could I have known, and yet I SUFFER suffer suffer for not knowing.... I am now
heading toward a month of being unable to go anywhere because unbeknownst to me my LiftLine access expired...There is nothing I can do to hurry the process of certification.
Now what the heck might that entail, having obtained certification from my doctor that indeed I am paralyzed?!!! this just breaks my heart again and again this incredibly casual cruelty--- ah yes, they shoudl have notfied me, but their lack of notification does not thing to aid remediation. I can only think that there is some reason for this. I've not been out in the path of something
and so i keep myself contained, quiet.
***************************************
I am irked by the "why can't you's" ( why can't you use thee electric wheelchair? Because I can't get in it!)
but i was so affirmed when my friend in the nursing home asked about my aide. What aide? I haven't had an aide since July!!!!
I would so like to have had help, but i couldn't afford to pay $20 an hour with a two hour minumum for the last chore
I could not do--- laundry and to pay $0 and still not have clothes dry....
So i ride my garbage downstairs in my lap Mon to Saturday to toss out in the garbage room that has now become hazardous
with refrigerators on dollies. Sunday the room is closed and so it is my day of rest.... ahhh the cat sleeps as near the wheelchair as he dare, his tail tucked in but comapanionabley close...
I am not alone in this suffering and I cry for them, this is not the life they signed on for, no yard, no stairs and levels to race,
but they forgive me again and again, but it's spring, they look at me likke cam they look outside.... we would have sniffed the snow melt, we would have ventured out...
i dreamt of being instructed on how to move from one palce to another by an alien. I hope this comes true.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Smacked AGain! LiftLine Denies me a Ride!
so i call to book a ride to see the social worker on monday
and they tell me i cant book a ride because ive expired
i expired on feb 28
and i need to be recertified as in reapply and it will take 3 weeks and i need to
submit another picture
and no they can't extend a TEMPORArY permit not even to allow me to take one trip on monday and don't i know that the regular bus has a lift just like liftline though they don't know if it stops anywhere near where i am going.....
and i should have known this because it says temporary on my pass....
my pass?
yes the pass you are supposed to present to the driver...
i haven't looked at that pass for a year, because the driver already arrives
with my name and information...
why wouldn't you notify me that my time was up?
to which there was no answer--- i should have known what i could not have known
so once again, i'm up shit's creek without a paddle...
there is the medical motor service which put me on hold and hung up on me, but i think they are
$25 each way... the other service is $65... they rely on medicaid to pay, but sine i don't have medicaid , it would pay twice thee cost of a doctor''s visit to see the doctor!
Lord, give me strength!
and they tell me i cant book a ride because ive expired
i expired on feb 28
and i need to be recertified as in reapply and it will take 3 weeks and i need to
submit another picture
and no they can't extend a TEMPORArY permit not even to allow me to take one trip on monday and don't i know that the regular bus has a lift just like liftline though they don't know if it stops anywhere near where i am going.....
and i should have known this because it says temporary on my pass....
my pass?
yes the pass you are supposed to present to the driver...
i haven't looked at that pass for a year, because the driver already arrives
with my name and information...
why wouldn't you notify me that my time was up?
to which there was no answer--- i should have known what i could not have known
so once again, i'm up shit's creek without a paddle...
there is the medical motor service which put me on hold and hung up on me, but i think they are
$25 each way... the other service is $65... they rely on medicaid to pay, but sine i don't have medicaid , it would pay twice thee cost of a doctor''s visit to see the doctor!
Lord, give me strength!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
V Day at Midtown Manor
our V Day party. Very sweet with door prizes, cake, cookies and potatoe chips, dip, drinks .....yeah, fun. The crochet group was the talk of the room and I tried to get other people to say they would come and hang out with us--- even to do other needle/fiber work.
I'm going to try to do a play about this place... it is so alien to me... i know i am here, but feeel so disconnected and wierd
with listening to the radio and how peopl in Rochester talk about Midtown like it's on the moon
the lead paint ordinance
trying to get an italian village as a attractor to get people to visit midtown
this alien NET neighborhood empowerment teams
connect the Amtrak and the bus station
Rennaissance Square
I'm going to try to do a play about this place... it is so alien to me... i know i am here, but feeel so disconnected and wierd
with listening to the radio and how peopl in Rochester talk about Midtown like it's on the moon
the lead paint ordinance
trying to get an italian village as a attractor to get people to visit midtown
this alien NET neighborhood empowerment teams
connect the Amtrak and the bus station
Rennaissance Square
Friday, February 16, 2007
my house is hurt
Last saturday my wonderful neighborfriend saw an alien ice formation on the side of my house while she walked the dog.
Soon she called Karen and Jinm, they had the fire department pump 2 inches of water out of my basement. A pipe burst....
and this despite paying $100s on gas heat each month..... WAHHHHHHH! okay so i called insurance who said call Service Master and the plumber..... the plumber said ahhh the furnace was damaged in the flood and needs fixing....
Wonderful Connie told me:
The CAC guy was no where near as resourceful and knowledgeable and just
plain willing as Jesse. Jesse not only came back, but got the CAC guy to
come back and together they fixed the furnace. (I stood there watching,
feeling like a girl. Sometimes I think I'd like to go on the job with Jesse
for like a month and learn everything I can.) They told me to leave the
heat up very high (around 80 degrees) until Tuesday morning when I will
bring it back to 65 degrees. That's what you had it on, right? This is to
make sure all of the pipes are thawed.
I know that Jesse has two suggestions for your pipes: 1) until you return he
suggests "winterizing" the pipes by putting anti-freeze in them. It may be
a cheap and easy solution for the meantime.
2) He expressed concern over some old cast iron pipes and suggested that now
might be the time to replace them since other repairs will be needed as
well.
As for the rest of the house - Service master gutted the kitchen and pulled
out the wall behind the sink, the sink itself, the cabinets, the ceiling and
the floor. They've also pulled out the ceiling in the dining room and the
living room. I have to double check about the room all the way in the front
of the house. They pulled up the carpet in the dining room but not the rest
of the downstairs.
They have not touched anything on your walls - no photos, no artwork.
The downstairs is very messy. There is plaster dust and some broken glass
on the floor. I will ask them to clean that up.
They did not put equipment up last evening to begin the drying process
because the heat was not on yet. (They left about 3 or 3:30 PM). But, they
said they'd be back this morning to set that up if the heat was on. I
called at 8 AM to inform them, but they haven't called back yet. I've got
to go in a minute but I'll be back in the late morning and will contact them
again.
Well, that's the whole picture. I don't think they've done anything
upstairs which did not get wet. I will double check later this morning.
My heart is with you and your precious and vulnerable house. I am aware of
all the artwork in progress in practically every space I've seen - the
basement, the dining room, the front room, all of it. I'll do my best to
preserve it.
_______________________
Prayers are welcome.
Soon she called Karen and Jinm, they had the fire department pump 2 inches of water out of my basement. A pipe burst....
and this despite paying $100s on gas heat each month..... WAHHHHHHH! okay so i called insurance who said call Service Master and the plumber..... the plumber said ahhh the furnace was damaged in the flood and needs fixing....
Wonderful Connie told me:
The CAC guy was no where near as resourceful and knowledgeable and just
plain willing as Jesse. Jesse not only came back, but got the CAC guy to
come back and together they fixed the furnace. (I stood there watching,
feeling like a girl. Sometimes I think I'd like to go on the job with Jesse
for like a month and learn everything I can.) They told me to leave the
heat up very high (around 80 degrees) until Tuesday morning when I will
bring it back to 65 degrees. That's what you had it on, right? This is to
make sure all of the pipes are thawed.
I know that Jesse has two suggestions for your pipes: 1) until you return he
suggests "winterizing" the pipes by putting anti-freeze in them. It may be
a cheap and easy solution for the meantime.
2) He expressed concern over some old cast iron pipes and suggested that now
might be the time to replace them since other repairs will be needed as
well.
As for the rest of the house - Service master gutted the kitchen and pulled
out the wall behind the sink, the sink itself, the cabinets, the ceiling and
the floor. They've also pulled out the ceiling in the dining room and the
living room. I have to double check about the room all the way in the front
of the house. They pulled up the carpet in the dining room but not the rest
of the downstairs.
They have not touched anything on your walls - no photos, no artwork.
The downstairs is very messy. There is plaster dust and some broken glass
on the floor. I will ask them to clean that up.
They did not put equipment up last evening to begin the drying process
because the heat was not on yet. (They left about 3 or 3:30 PM). But, they
said they'd be back this morning to set that up if the heat was on. I
called at 8 AM to inform them, but they haven't called back yet. I've got
to go in a minute but I'll be back in the late morning and will contact them
again.
Well, that's the whole picture. I don't think they've done anything
upstairs which did not get wet. I will double check later this morning.
My heart is with you and your precious and vulnerable house. I am aware of
all the artwork in progress in practically every space I've seen - the
basement, the dining room, the front room, all of it. I'll do my best to
preserve it.
_______________________
Prayers are welcome.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Another Loss, Another Tragedy For Me
a pipe burst in the wall
my kitchen cieling is on the floor
the fire dept pumped out 2 inches of water from the basement
i am blessed to have wonderful neighbors and friends
maybe this is a blessing in dissguise
i contacted homeowners insurance who said they may have an adjuster out tonight even -- Saturday 2/10
my plumber said he knows what to do and will come out tomorrow to make
sure there is water for heat as i have steam heating
sigh.... i was just chilling out and feeling calm after a day of work....
Sunday
O! I owe my frends so much--- Connie and Louise and Karen and Jim---- called the fire department who pumped water out of my basement. Connie has been a marvel of calm facilitation as I've been in touch with Service Master, to clean up and dry out, the plumber who has restored heat, Corning Applicance to replace a broken something on the furnace, and the insurance.
Jesse though i was being metaphoric when i told him I couldn't be there , that I was [aralyzed... i could tell so I explained how i cannot walk, cannot stand, and so cannot drive home or even, be driven home to oversee....
and this just as the possibility of assistance in rehab, making accessible has been found and this just as i felt a sense of hope and possibilitymy home my sweet home!!! i miss it so, my tools, my yard, my treees and bushes that i planted....
why am i ever exiled, made bereft?
my kitchen cieling is on the floor
the fire dept pumped out 2 inches of water from the basement
i am blessed to have wonderful neighbors and friends
maybe this is a blessing in dissguise
i contacted homeowners insurance who said they may have an adjuster out tonight even -- Saturday 2/10
my plumber said he knows what to do and will come out tomorrow to make
sure there is water for heat as i have steam heating
sigh.... i was just chilling out and feeling calm after a day of work....
Sunday
O! I owe my frends so much--- Connie and Louise and Karen and Jim---- called the fire department who pumped water out of my basement. Connie has been a marvel of calm facilitation as I've been in touch with Service Master, to clean up and dry out, the plumber who has restored heat, Corning Applicance to replace a broken something on the furnace, and the insurance.
Jesse though i was being metaphoric when i told him I couldn't be there , that I was [aralyzed... i could tell so I explained how i cannot walk, cannot stand, and so cannot drive home or even, be driven home to oversee....
and this just as the possibility of assistance in rehab, making accessible has been found and this just as i felt a sense of hope and possibilitymy home my sweet home!!! i miss it so, my tools, my yard, my treees and bushes that i planted....
why am i ever exiled, made bereft?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Honeyfood, Candy, Tea
i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i dont eat candy i don't like candy
i ate the candy i ate the candy i ate the candy and i love it! the
coffee candy yum that my friend sent me....
to be reduced to this, to be raised to this coffee on the tongue
with cream and butter, stuff i can't eat but might entertain
melting slowly on my tongue
i needed honey i wanted honey i asked for honey from the store lady for WEEKS.
the store that comes to this apartment building where the woman charges $1 for 3 bananas where she yes, does help the elderly disabled like me and rips us off with rapacious prices,
when, the last time i could walk, "I bought banana's for 25 cents a pound.... argHHH
Went online to my favorite place in Millerton, PA in a magic glen of a honey place and a wonderful entrepreneur made good story.... and it would cost $5 per pound with
shipping so bought instead honey from this place in Dakota--- that
was $4 per pound including shipping.... they sent it priority so it
was here the next day to have with Earl Grey tea i got on ebay that took
ONE day to get here and YUM YUM this honey is exquisite from North
dakota--- wish i could give them a super rating.
i fell less cold with honey and tea again at last--- after weeks without it...
luscious honey love for my tongue, for my tea
sometimes there can be a sweet moment.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Blue Monday
Saturday's window. Today's was darker, starker, white. Todya is blue Monday, thee most dpressing day of the year according to a Brit researcher.
I was supposed to have a visitor who didn't call and didn't show. Adn i dismantled my little photo studio to accomodate
her--- it is the brightest spot and the chair had a pyramid of sheet covered boxes. Niles was dismayed as it has becaome his draped boudoir, his hidey place, from which he can see all yet not be seen. I rpobably would not have vacuumed so assidously and definitely would have eaten both sooner and later...
But the led clip light arrived. it cast a wide beam for it's tiny size, but really i still need a floor lamp to have light,
I'm thinking about a play about the place i'm living.
it's been so hard to write.
Going inside takes me inside, to the pain
should i make peace with my condition nonononononon i scream this is not me
but it hasn't gone away yet. i don't spend the day trembling in fear like i did until november, fear of falling out, falling over the incredible daily fear that exhausted me after riding the liftline
and i still fell grief and fatigue most days
maybe because i am out of noni juice and ginseng
i miss my energy which some said was incredible and maybe now i am just knocked down to normal
i seldom did as much as i wanted to , but it was so much more than i can accomplish now
ginseng ginger help me
all i need is 10% i read just 10% will let me walk again
i feel tingling like when your feeet fall asleep i pray this is an awakening
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Movie Day
Today was movie day.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.
The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.
I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.
, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---
I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.
thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!
Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.
and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday
It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.
I've only been once or twice before, in large part because
i was just hungry or exhausted after work.
The room is cold and so two people wear outer clothes, everyone has on a hat and at least two layers... there were only 4 of us ... one person per row.... each row is a set of couches
It costs 50 cents for popcorn served to each of us on a decorated paper plate with a napkin on top.
I made it a point to see Little Miss Sunshine, which i heard had been a hit at Sundance last year.
, and one old lady, the one closest to the screen, left at the first barrage of profanity from Alan Arkin, annoying me as she saw fit to lean on my wheelchair as she walked past, like it was part of the furniture---- the touching of my wheelchair really bugs me---
I laughed and cried and got incredibly annoyed at a woman who sat at the back and then shouted forward questions like "who is that?"
It's the father, volunteered the hatted man in front of me.
Whose father?
The husband's father.
thing is she told me she had seeen this movie before!!!!
Then via e-mail another neighbor told me that last week this same miscreant had not allowed anybody to talk.
and still it was an enjoyable experience. I did the body and a leg of a doll to go with the freeform dress that just emerged from my hook yesterday
It is bread day so half the room has those huge tables strewn with bread. the avocadoes were too crushed to consider and the remaining star fruit looked too far gone but i found raisin bagels and raisin scones. Ahh, i hear the water boiling, I'll have tea now.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Making Real the Dream
Martin Luther King, jr. I hold you more dear now than I did before your died. I was a child
who wrote
the man, the dam who stayed the flood
is gone
for now, I wash all violence from my mind
for him
but deep deep deep
runs the river of revenge
the wrongs incense me
the dam is gone
not sure about the line breaks but I remember how his death awoke something fierce and sad in me.
an ache i sobbed when the integrated couple on NPR shared thes tory of the nieghbor rining the bell of the house
and when the black woman asnwered, asked for the lady of the house. I don't know why... worse has does happen but i burst into tears remembering how that store in Pawling would not let me rent a video and how Ira argued with me for 4 hours, didn't believe me until he went back to rent a video machine and this is surely surely not the worst, not death, but it's how that casual denial, the casual insult is a kind of bellwether, how easily you can be stopped, spun around, deterred and even if your skin is thick, it's that you have to go through this somethingwithouit reason
an how this disability has quadrupled the going throughness... black female and disabled? how many ways must i be made separate from the world i came to be in?
it's a dark day, winter has come because it is it's season and i struggle to not succumb and pray pray for help with my burdens
the ache for the taste of a childhood forever gone
ache is the word i've thought about today
when you wish upon a star
o my parents made so much beauty and so much hope and love and still i don't fail it
feet feet feet don't fail me now
o lord hold my hand while I run this race
o lord let me stand let me claim my place
Amen.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Hierarchy of Needs
To Walk
if i can walk again I can, to paraphrase James Brown Get it myself
I circle round and round what each day must do. I haven't quite found balance as my list lengthens and yes, things get done, I am exhilarated and chastened by my efforts to make something out of yarn--- lees for art, but more for saleable expression. Yet each day of this wonderfully balmy winter, the day rockets by. I started to write flies and then jets, but I am awake til 3 or 4 or last night 5 and i awoke at 9 and as the dressing,cleaning ablution set piece takes two hours more or less--- okay
i comfort myself by saying as an ambulatory person i would have spent this time cooking but still.... i don't have enough day.
How do i help myself walk?
I need help.
So I pray and pray and pray.
I've added exercise.
I need therapy.
This requires money.
A number of people have understood this need for money and responded. But even as I want money,I try to think of it in terms of what I need: I've got sufficient clothing, because I go nowhere.
I need shelter
Money for shelter
Need to have my house made accessible, visitable and most of all inhabitable. I think this will cost
$20 to $30,000 dollars. Again. if someone could do this for me, then the money to do this rehab would not be needed.
Food
It saddens me that unwell, I eat less well than when i was well. I can't juice because I can't get my bulk veggies.
There are things I want, because I think these things will help me make money. I want some new tools-- a headlight, a floor lamp, a wyr knitter, a thing that makes tubes, and more wool, cotton, yarns, color But iremind myself, crying that this yearning, this wanting is a distraction. It makes me feel normal, like i once was, wanting these things, tools and materials, the joy I had making lists
and how i used to not sleep to work out an new idea, a new technique to make objects that used everything i knew like my stoneware covered books inscribed with my drawing of my house with my handmade paper of local plants, on which my poems were enscribed adorned with house figured flameworked glass beads. Remembering this comforts me, but it was not to be a resting place.
I had hoped to make glass covers. I want to make more But what is your need.
I need to improve my mental capacity. I need to figure out ways to make money-- to help me walk and keep me fed housed and clothed
I need to contribute to the wider world as i used to. Teaching the short story writing in tiny Corning was so painful and so wonderful, that children got to meet a me and I got to meet them. How i really felt i empowered and excited young people with papermaking and adults and children with my poetry workshops...
I need to make a giving appointment so the time doesn't fly by without some service beyond myself.
I hate that i am my own baby, requiring so many hours of my attention, I don't enjoy being so self involved, yet on the other hand, I feel that I am not focusing on the right thing
Friday, December 29, 2006
Helping Not Helping
It's taking me two days to eat the pomegranate I retreived from the trash mash of failed vegetables. It was among the dark bruised avocadoes. I found a mango, too. A small triumph of retrieval and I had hopes for the firmness i felt among the soft alligator pears.
The bread this week disappointed. This excess spread over three six-foot tables, loaf upon sorry loaf of stuff I never ate and would not now eat.
Not eating what i never ate has served me well, so I starved genteely in the nursing home after feasting at the hospital where they made gourmet vegetarian options.
Each week some intrepid citizens get or others bring-- I've seen a large black man haul in the bread--- an array of discards.
One morning this included fruit tarts, cheesecakes, cakes as welll as the standard breads. And these not day old, but day of.... a marvel that often includes the multigrain artisanal loaves, my favorite being mutligrain with currants and sourdough pecan raisin.
Ahhh it would be nice to be able to get food from the supermarket. I have a lead again on someone to hire. And yes neighbors have offered, but one was unable to find raw almonds and it required five minutes of discussion to tell her what I meant and where to find them and still she returned with a tiny bag of slivered almonds for baking. I won't bother relate other failures to get single items, because I am grateful that should my need be dire I can make a request.... but old habits die hard and I so miss being resourced and rescourcefull
Anyway scrounging among the trash sometime yileds somthing and the avocadoes were mostly a waste but five spoonfuls from them was wonderful. And in addition to the alien and delicious pomegranate was a mango.
This saves me at least a meal of two extending the time between chinese food orders. And with a Christmas invitation to a mea, it has been a week and half since my last order. So when the Chinese food man came he questioned me a bit more closely as is to discern why I was three days late on my weekly call. We chatted about the two new years and he played with Obi who let him manipulate his body into silly anthropomorhic poses.
But I'm skipping the earlier part of the day. The crochet part has now spun off to a crochet blog. My tall nieghbor was talking to a short man who she kept insisting had a communication problem. His English was fluent and articulate so I didn't know what she meant. His hearing loss left him unable to hear the higher frequencies-- mainly women's voices. This makesme laugh. He is humorous and warm.
Turns out surgery has left him disabled and out of work and his hearing loss and lack of both money and equipment compunds the problem. All these troubles and challenges since coming from Cuba. Anyway I am moved to try to assist--- seems he's fixed several computers for folks but does not have one that works and has no internet connection to boot. I call the Center for Disability Rights--- why:? given thei utter lack of doing a single useful thing for me-- I don't know. Maybe because I believe his probelm is solvable. but no. They won't help me help him. He needs to call. I could have spit I would have or kicked or punched, because I see see seee the obverse of what happens to me.
their smug insistence in not helping and the way they find to not do anything. I'm trying to help the man get the MEANS
to help hinself. An Amplified telephone a TTY. Have him call theyy say make an appointment.
I remember frantically seeking a way to get connected and help to get connected to the net. And I remember frantically searching for the apartment and calling and calling and these organizations set up to help who? did nothing for me except make ecxcuses. And these are the same folks I called to find help shopping, to find help getting an automatic door put on a building that is HUD and asupposed to be wheelchair accessible and the hlep was never forthcoming, only the wasted time.
But I had to ask. and I did, for him. The Center for Indepent Living, as for me in the past, was ever so much more pleasant and kind. They suggested he stop by. I wrote down the information and left him a note under his door.
He was out conducting his own physical therapy, walking with a walker in need of repair. I hope I can hlep myself and then maybe find a way to help Mr. J.
The bread this week disappointed. This excess spread over three six-foot tables, loaf upon sorry loaf of stuff I never ate and would not now eat.
Not eating what i never ate has served me well, so I starved genteely in the nursing home after feasting at the hospital where they made gourmet vegetarian options.
Each week some intrepid citizens get or others bring-- I've seen a large black man haul in the bread--- an array of discards.
One morning this included fruit tarts, cheesecakes, cakes as welll as the standard breads. And these not day old, but day of.... a marvel that often includes the multigrain artisanal loaves, my favorite being mutligrain with currants and sourdough pecan raisin.
Ahhh it would be nice to be able to get food from the supermarket. I have a lead again on someone to hire. And yes neighbors have offered, but one was unable to find raw almonds and it required five minutes of discussion to tell her what I meant and where to find them and still she returned with a tiny bag of slivered almonds for baking. I won't bother relate other failures to get single items, because I am grateful that should my need be dire I can make a request.... but old habits die hard and I so miss being resourced and rescourcefull
Anyway scrounging among the trash sometime yileds somthing and the avocadoes were mostly a waste but five spoonfuls from them was wonderful. And in addition to the alien and delicious pomegranate was a mango.
This saves me at least a meal of two extending the time between chinese food orders. And with a Christmas invitation to a mea, it has been a week and half since my last order. So when the Chinese food man came he questioned me a bit more closely as is to discern why I was three days late on my weekly call. We chatted about the two new years and he played with Obi who let him manipulate his body into silly anthropomorhic poses.
But I'm skipping the earlier part of the day. The crochet part has now spun off to a crochet blog. My tall nieghbor was talking to a short man who she kept insisting had a communication problem. His English was fluent and articulate so I didn't know what she meant. His hearing loss left him unable to hear the higher frequencies-- mainly women's voices. This makesme laugh. He is humorous and warm.
Turns out surgery has left him disabled and out of work and his hearing loss and lack of both money and equipment compunds the problem. All these troubles and challenges since coming from Cuba. Anyway I am moved to try to assist--- seems he's fixed several computers for folks but does not have one that works and has no internet connection to boot. I call the Center for Disability Rights--- why:? given thei utter lack of doing a single useful thing for me-- I don't know. Maybe because I believe his probelm is solvable. but no. They won't help me help him. He needs to call. I could have spit I would have or kicked or punched, because I see see seee the obverse of what happens to me.
their smug insistence in not helping and the way they find to not do anything. I'm trying to help the man get the MEANS
to help hinself. An Amplified telephone a TTY. Have him call theyy say make an appointment.
I remember frantically seeking a way to get connected and help to get connected to the net. And I remember frantically searching for the apartment and calling and calling and these organizations set up to help who? did nothing for me except make ecxcuses. And these are the same folks I called to find help shopping, to find help getting an automatic door put on a building that is HUD and asupposed to be wheelchair accessible and the hlep was never forthcoming, only the wasted time.
But I had to ask. and I did, for him. The Center for Indepent Living, as for me in the past, was ever so much more pleasant and kind. They suggested he stop by. I wrote down the information and left him a note under his door.
He was out conducting his own physical therapy, walking with a walker in need of repair. I hope I can hlep myself and then maybe find a way to help Mr. J.
Friday, December 22, 2006
New Star For Friends
I woke grateful to awake, grateful to still feel grateful for the moment of peace. And had an insight into the star, an idea for another approach, because a member of FFCrochet (the freeform group) had a problem with with the adjustable ring. So
before I arose, I made two lareger stars using another method, felted them and then while on Liftline, pencil and finger shaped their hangers.
Here they are:
Felted Star Ornament 2
Ch 4 , 9 dc in 4th ch from hook,join, ch1: 10 dc
2sc, sc, around, join, ch1:15 sc
sc,dc,trc,picot:(ch2, sc), trc, dc,sc, skip two sc, repeat: 5 points
sl st to first sc, fasten off.
Using contrasting yarn, pull through center hole sl st, ch1, sl st:
You could just sl st, but adding a ch1between sl st seemed to improve the pattern
(3.5” prefelted using Grand Patons merino wool)
It was sheer pleasure to lunch with my former colleagues and what treats: dim sum of bean cake, vegetable bun, scallion pancakes, unagi sushi( my favorite and boy was it buttery sublime with my mash of wasabi and soy swirled together in the lovely porcelain demibowl. And the sublime dipping sauce. The only sour note was the horrible tasting water, but i was too busy blabbing to remember to ask for tea or something bottled.... and too soon it was time for me to go. In my nervousness I thought that 90 minutes was plenty of time... I should have made it longer, but i did not wnat to sitting there alone waiting. part of it was that everyone arrived late... oh well, rain and the weird liftline bus driver who required 4 parking spaces to pick me up because she deemed two not enough and that would be paralell parking, despite that inanity, i was grateful to get out and actually have a conversation about something other than someone's loss, or mindless chitchat.... OTOH, there was a handsome young man driver who treated me so gently and shared his concern about getting to apply his schoolwork to the work world and I told him about myself and my father--- did we ever get to apply what we learned?
Nope not to work, but to ourselves, to our friends and loved ones, in service to our community only a lucky few get to do what they are trained to do--- truly... I was reviled when I tried to apply any of my newly minted MBA skills at the ad agency in the 70s... maybe they are smarter now, but I told him that work was hell but he seemed old enough to know the truth and he was to get his degree anyway and perhaps design a way for us to be free... howw I knew my faher's job was far far less than his intellect ranged until the end of his career when he traveled around the country advising on computerization and mechanization
Thank you dears for calling me out to play.... makes me remember the girls who cme to get me when I first moved to queens and would have just stayed inside and read, Lord bless them for coming to get me, in that way that kids know there is a kid in need, not the mean kid paradigm, but the other where somehow, the group of souls connect and bond and Leslie Walker, Sharon Brown, and Cynthia Atkinson came and got me and rescued me and helped me grow. Thank you dear ones.
Like meeting Marilyn Beverly as a prefreshman at Williams College that was some magic i grokked her we were both music majors she a violinist-- that was my first instrument and I was a cellist , basoonist and singer and here we were two young black women going offf to this formerly all male cold hostile New England Berkshire barren psycholgical gulag,leaving the Emerald City behind--- what were we thinking? We should've gone off to the Sorbonne or Oxford-- we would've been treated better and come back with exotic connections and had a hell of a lot more fun. oh well....and going to discos in Manhattan wearing those six inch platforms I bought on 8th street and loved so much-- trying to walk with them up that steep Harlem hill on/by Edgecombe Avenue.
My my my . Rescue me rescue me.... Andrea rescued me this year and all praises as did Karen and Jim and Jacqui
and all those who worked on the benefit for me thank you dears and all those poets who sent money that kept me from starving and living in the street. Thank you thank you thank you. Connie and Louise cutting my lawn o! thank you thank you I've never neede so much help ever before... how is my catalpa that i palnted? My new maple? my emotional rescue. my material rescue. Keep those cards and letters coming folks. Keep me in your prayers I want to rise up and walk again and make my way.
I no longer ask to be without pain, I would take the pain to walk again, because it hurts anyway, everyday. Be clear, i say, what do i need? To walk again and then I can get all I need, myself. sigh.
before I arose, I made two lareger stars using another method, felted them and then while on Liftline, pencil and finger shaped their hangers.
Here they are:
Felted Star Ornament 2
Ch 4 , 9 dc in 4th ch from hook,join, ch1: 10 dc
2sc, sc, around, join, ch1:15 sc
sc,dc,trc,picot:(ch2, sc), trc, dc,sc, skip two sc, repeat: 5 points
sl st to first sc, fasten off.
Using contrasting yarn, pull through center hole sl st, ch1, sl st:
You could just sl st, but adding a ch1between sl st seemed to improve the pattern
(3.5” prefelted using Grand Patons merino wool)
It was sheer pleasure to lunch with my former colleagues and what treats: dim sum of bean cake, vegetable bun, scallion pancakes, unagi sushi( my favorite and boy was it buttery sublime with my mash of wasabi and soy swirled together in the lovely porcelain demibowl. And the sublime dipping sauce. The only sour note was the horrible tasting water, but i was too busy blabbing to remember to ask for tea or something bottled.... and too soon it was time for me to go. In my nervousness I thought that 90 minutes was plenty of time... I should have made it longer, but i did not wnat to sitting there alone waiting. part of it was that everyone arrived late... oh well, rain and the weird liftline bus driver who required 4 parking spaces to pick me up because she deemed two not enough and that would be paralell parking, despite that inanity, i was grateful to get out and actually have a conversation about something other than someone's loss, or mindless chitchat.... OTOH, there was a handsome young man driver who treated me so gently and shared his concern about getting to apply his schoolwork to the work world and I told him about myself and my father--- did we ever get to apply what we learned?
Nope not to work, but to ourselves, to our friends and loved ones, in service to our community only a lucky few get to do what they are trained to do--- truly... I was reviled when I tried to apply any of my newly minted MBA skills at the ad agency in the 70s... maybe they are smarter now, but I told him that work was hell but he seemed old enough to know the truth and he was to get his degree anyway and perhaps design a way for us to be free... howw I knew my faher's job was far far less than his intellect ranged until the end of his career when he traveled around the country advising on computerization and mechanization
Thank you dears for calling me out to play.... makes me remember the girls who cme to get me when I first moved to queens and would have just stayed inside and read, Lord bless them for coming to get me, in that way that kids know there is a kid in need, not the mean kid paradigm, but the other where somehow, the group of souls connect and bond and Leslie Walker, Sharon Brown, and Cynthia Atkinson came and got me and rescued me and helped me grow. Thank you dear ones.
Like meeting Marilyn Beverly as a prefreshman at Williams College that was some magic i grokked her we were both music majors she a violinist-- that was my first instrument and I was a cellist , basoonist and singer and here we were two young black women going offf to this formerly all male cold hostile New England Berkshire barren psycholgical gulag,leaving the Emerald City behind--- what were we thinking? We should've gone off to the Sorbonne or Oxford-- we would've been treated better and come back with exotic connections and had a hell of a lot more fun. oh well....and going to discos in Manhattan wearing those six inch platforms I bought on 8th street and loved so much-- trying to walk with them up that steep Harlem hill on/by Edgecombe Avenue.
My my my . Rescue me rescue me.... Andrea rescued me this year and all praises as did Karen and Jim and Jacqui
and all those who worked on the benefit for me thank you dears and all those poets who sent money that kept me from starving and living in the street. Thank you thank you thank you. Connie and Louise cutting my lawn o! thank you thank you I've never neede so much help ever before... how is my catalpa that i palnted? My new maple? my emotional rescue. my material rescue. Keep those cards and letters coming folks. Keep me in your prayers I want to rise up and walk again and make my way.
I no longer ask to be without pain, I would take the pain to walk again, because it hurts anyway, everyday. Be clear, i say, what do i need? To walk again and then I can get all I need, myself. sigh.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Designing, Discovering
Felting did not yield quite what I wanted…
For some flowers the densification was a muddying
For the bud and sepals, a caressable object that suggests an organism was formed.
I’ve tormented myself searching for a solution to my flower scarf. I wanted it to be flowers and leaves. Then I thought of oversizing the leaves, then the ever challenging for me question of color.
Especially now when I do not have my stash, my “fiber office” as my second niece, when a baby, so aptly named the room that was the library and yes was filled with books, but whose closet and diaper station turned into yarn shelves, and floor spoke of fiber use.
I see my table top loom there on the floor by the fronT facing window. O lord let me walk again..please!
Back to today’s narrative which is about design and my limitations. I feel it like a craving like a hunger that can’t be sated until it is enumerated, articulated, clearly defined, spelled out.
My next flower pattern set was to be Akua’s Fabulous Furled and Fluffy Flowers which I so thouigth that the wool felting would improve but no… To be fulfilled in felt the design owould have to be amended as the furled petals hardened and were wayward and the fluffy petal, so dependent on stitch construction for their loft, deflated.
I saw two commercial flowers that I dug.
http://www.cardsandcraft.co.uk/embellishments/405-big-crochet-flowers.html/1418.jpg
http://www.meimeicrafts.com/images/flowers
One took more work than my nature-mimic multilayer rose and it is flat, but the spoke rays of it are energetic and while my color pallet is more winter than n summer, the stretch and size of it gave me some new thoughts about the flower scarf.
Then I found this flower and loved loved loved the spiral and was reminded that a simple embelishment of the crochet hook and yarn itself could be used to enhance the flower.
At Gourmet Crochet
This Bolivian scarf showed an oversized direction but it's not integrated....
http://thestripeysheep.co.uk/index.php?itemID=161&jump=navbar#navbar
http://www.rosylittlethings.com/scallop.html-- $68 ?!
http://www.imaybeknittingaranchhouse.com/archives/2006/10/a_free_scarf_mo.html
between this and this
I knew there was an easier way:
http://heidisknittingroom.com/BoleroCrochetMotifs.htm
this suggests joining as you go:
(http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/?page_id=119)
and that's just what I've developed for this very greengold or browngreen--everything else made it look heavy. and the makeflowers sew two together was too much sewing and I did not to be another mere.near doily flower maker. I remember thinking about interlocking rings, so that's what I've designed: interlocking flowers, one open and the sme motif with a densified center, making it slightly larger.... I wonder if I want a their flower, but it's so wonderful that as I complete a flower, it's complete!
Little Spiral Star Tree Ornament
I need some gift-ettes and thought-- I've got some wool-- I can felt some stars for trees!
This whole process took about 20 minutes--- from crocheting through felting. It's adorable and
feels affectionate.
Little Star Tree Ornament
Make loop( aka magic ring), 5 sc in center, sl st to first sc,
2 sc in each sc, join to first :10 sc
Change yarn, in any sc : *sc, dc, trc, sc, skip sc* repeat: 5 points/petals. sl st to first sc, fasten off.
With contrasting thread up through center hole, sl st in spiral, grabbing vertical threads of sc.
(I'm going to use a spiral sl st in a lot of plain centers --- inspired by this at Gourmet Crochet
After crocheting, I did some tugging to pull the points...if i could, I would have steamed this flat first.
I then "finger felted" it --- ( place Little Star under hot water in sink, a dab of dish washing liquid and rubbing between palms and on scrubby. I then tugged on the points, reshaping it rinsed in cold water and pressed to damp dry.... again if i could, I would speed this drying with an iron).
I don't have any ornament hangers, but I will make one using some brass wire that it have: I'll make a spiral and then a 90 angle,poke it through a point and then make another spiral/curve at the top.
I'll put up a picture as soon as it dries a bit.
By the way-- it works unfelted, too.
Joy in the making,
Akua
This whole process took about 20 minutes--- from crocheting through felting. It's adorable and
feels affectionate.
Little Star Tree Ornament
Make loop( aka magic ring), 5 sc in center, sl st to first sc,
2 sc in each sc, join to first :10 sc
Change yarn, in any sc : *sc, dc, trc, sc, skip sc* repeat: 5 points/petals. sl st to first sc, fasten off.
With contrasting thread up through center hole, sl st in spiral, grabbing vertical threads of sc.
(I'm going to use a spiral sl st in a lot of plain centers --- inspired by this at Gourmet Crochet
After crocheting, I did some tugging to pull the points...if i could, I would have steamed this flat first.
I then "finger felted" it --- ( place Little Star under hot water in sink, a dab of dish washing liquid and rubbing between palms and on scrubby. I then tugged on the points, reshaping it rinsed in cold water and pressed to damp dry.... again if i could, I would speed this drying with an iron).
I don't have any ornament hangers, but I will make one using some brass wire that it have: I'll make a spiral and then a 90 angle,poke it through a point and then make another spiral/curve at the top.
I'll put up a picture as soon as it dries a bit.
By the way-- it works unfelted, too.
Joy in the making,
Akua
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